SKIP THIS COMING-OUT PARTY.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

IT'S NOT EASY to make an unwatchable movie about too-skinny girls in too-short skirts packing big guns.

Somehow, though, ``D.E.B.S.'' gets it all wrong. The film does everything else related to moviemaking - action, acting, visual ideas, dialogue - badly, too.

A mirthless ``Charlie's Angels''-as-college-girls satire, it could be argued that everything cheesy and wince-inducing about ``D.E.B.S.'' was intended to be camp. But then, camp usually has some cleverness and energy, so that excuse won't fly.

Standing for Discipline, Energy, Beauty and Strength, D.E.B.S. is a secret government program that trains young women to be cover-girl- quality superagents. The students live in a sorority house protected by an inefficient force field. For no good reason, they communicate with their superiors via hologram. They also spend a lot of time hanging from ceilings on little wire-suspended trapezes, where they discuss fashion and diets.

That's because, even though they're deadly assassins and all, the D.E.B.S. are just normal, air-headed coeds, too. Except, perhaps, for Amy (``The Big Bounce's'' Sara Foster), who's suddenly lost interest in her CIA operative boyfriend.

Amy's D.E.B.S. pod is assigned to catch international criminal mastermind Lucy Diamond (Jordana Brewster from ``The Fast and the Furious''). Although the fed-ette doesn't know it, Lucy's gaydar goes off the charts the instant Amy's long-barreled pistol is pointed her way.

Without too much trouble, Lucy - who's really a sweet, lovelorn kid when she isn't trying to vaporize Australia - courts and sparks Amy in a most old-fashioned way. This translates to participants remaining fully clothed through all make-out sessions, which must violate at least 13 basic rules of lipstick lesbian entertainment right there.

Writer-director Angela Robinson doesn't appear to understand any of the cinematic basics, either, from staging chase sequences to coaxing a single, nonvapid performance out of her young cast members. Even James Bond wouldn't know how to have a good time with these girls.

Bob Strauss, [phone]

bob.strauss(at)dailynews.com

D.E.B.S - One star

(PG-13: violence, language)

Starring: Sara Foster, Jordana Brewster, Meagan Good, Devon Aoki, Jill Ritchie.

Director: Angela Robinson.

Running time: 1 hr. 31 min.

Playing: Selected theaters.

In a nutshell: Badly staged and written satire about a college girl secret agent in lesbian love with a criminal mastermind.

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

Attractive young women are trained to become secret agents in ``D.E.B.S.''