SINGLE WOMEN, UNITE AND TAKE POWER!

Byline: STEPHANIE BECKER Local View

I'M just one singular sensation. Apparently I am not alone.

According to a new report more than half -- 51 percent -- of all women are living without a husband. Just like a fish needs a bicycle, if you're old enough to remember that `70s T-shirt.

There are millions of us, and we're coming out of the closet, ready to kick some soccer-mom butt. We are SWBC -- Single Women by Choice -- and our greatest family value is we don't have to share the bathroom, closet space or, most importantly, the remote.

We are your neighbors. Your kid's teacher. We are doctors. And lawyers. And plumbers. We've been the attorney general of the United States and the secretary of state.

To celebrate our newfound majority, I'm launching a drive for our own march. I'm staging it on Oct.22, the day my biological clock formally explodes. Old maidens, toss your hormones aside and demonstrate for our rights!

Our rally will highlight the civil rights of unwed women who easily bypass family-size packages of toilet paper and gallon jugs of milk and mayo and demurely decline two-for-one dinners unless we're really, really hungry.

We will no longer be the silent majority. Say it loud, I'm alone and proud!

We will happily carry placards proclaiming, ``I'm Pro-Marriage Penalty!''

Our demands will be simple: We want a ban on the ``based on double occupancy'' clause. We want the ``single supplement'' to mean vendors reward singles for using less space. And there will be no room for negotiations on our demand for an 85 percent tax deduction on all engagement, wedding and anniversary presents given to our minority friends.

We demand that Hallmark pressure Congress to designate a commercial holiday with bank closures. Let's make it the last shopping day before Valentine's Day, just to rub it in. There will be traditional gifts of single roses, an individually wrapped chocolate, and gift certificates to clean-smelling handymen.

Eventually, we'll start a nationwide fundraising drive for a National Bachelorette Hall of Fame. Our first inductee? Elizabeth Tudor or Janet Reno.

And don't think that just because Janet's our idol that we all walk around in sensible shoes with severe haircuts. Look at Condoleezza Rice. She's so put together in her color-coordinated power suits and black stiletto-heeled boots. I guess with no focus on a family she can afford those pricey Ferragamos on a government salary.

And gosh, Oprah's the most admired woman in America, although to us she's the perfect bipartisan role model as Czarina of Singledom. Like millions of us rich and poor, Oprah doesn't have to worry about coordinating spousal schedules, being nice to a husband's boss's wife or the bed-imperialistic tendencies of the male of the species.

Nah, gals like us, we're going to premieres, buying fancy frocks, eating in swanky restaurants, jetting off to Paris on a whim.

At least, I would be doing that if it weren't for my nephew. Who is, of course, the reason I won't be marching this year. I'll be baby-sitting while my sister and her husband celebrate yet another wedding anniversary.