SHORT TRACK WITH ITS OWN LAUGH TRACK.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

SALT LAKE CITY - Went to see the dawning of the great Apolo Ohno, megahyped megastar, and the greatest sitcom broke out.

The Keystone Kops live, but who knew they turned an ice show? There hasn't been this much slipping and sliding since Rick Dempsey during a rain delay.

Short track speedskating, my new favorite sport! It's part skating, part roller derby, part destruction derby. All it needs is Charlton Heston in a chariot.

Ohno was rounding the final turn in the speed skating 1,000 on Saturday, in the lead and ready to pick up that first gold medal on the way to being anointed new god of the Games.

Cue the laugh track. First, a brush on the outside with the Korean skater, who went sliding on the ice. Then Korean Hyun-Soo Ahn apparently couldn't handle the turn, fell right into the knees of Ohno. That's even illegal in the NFL.

Ohno went down, the Korean went down, Canadian Mathieu Turcotte went down, all bowling balls on ice.

Meet the new hero of 2002 Winter Olympics - Australia's Steven Bradbury!

Bradbury was so far back of the pack, he easily skated around his tumbling adversaries and crossed the finish line. A real, live Olympic champion. The first in Australia in Winter Games history.

``I just saw them all on the ice,'' Bradbury said. ``I thought, `This can't be right. I think I won.' ''

Yes, indeed, this is some sport. The guy sitting next to me in the press area, having figured it all out, tapped me on the shoulder and asked: ``Have you ever seen dog racing? This is exactly like dog racing.''

It was Steve Young. I didn't ask him what he was doing at a dog race, but let's just assume he wasn't betting.

Ohno, in a daze, was the first of the fallen to stagger up. Then he slipped and fell again, maybe because of the gash in his left thigh that would later require six stitches. Then he rose and crossed the finish line just ahead of the sliding Turcotte, whom the Dodgers should hire to work with Tom Gooden.

``I was like in a daze,'' Ohno said. ``I didn't know what was going on. I just kind of threw myself across the line. It was mass confusion.''

Yes, it is the greatest sport in the history of mankind. Why pay to see ``Rollerball'' when you can watch all this on TV for free?

Bradbury, the stunned guy still standing, wasn't sure what to think.

``I couldn't believe it,'' he said. ``I saw all the judges talking and I was very confident there would be a re-race.''

Apparently they do that in this sport, but nothing doing, which was probably best for Ohno and his cut leg. They also apparently have a rule that says you must cross the finish line on both skates, and since Turcotte was doing that nice slide ...

``I didn't know what was going on,'' said Turcotte, joining the club.`` The rule says both skates have to be on the ice. I thought I was going to be DQ'ed.''

No doubt, the IOC will have to look into this. It will be a difficult choice: Disqualify the results, or the whole sport? By now, IOC chief Jacques Rogge is on the case. Press conferences to follow.

The pro-U.S. crowd at the Delta Center starting booing when they realized the Aussie was going to get the gold. He had advanced through the quarterfinals and semifinals in almost exactly the same clever fashion.

Bradbury - who has some seriously bad bleached hair and a ring through his eyebrow - said he planned to sit back, hope for a nice crash, and maybe sneak in with a bronze medal.

``I'm not the fastest skater but those were my tactics, and they worked like a charm,'' he said.

I love this guy. Ohno, too, was very gracious. No complaints, no finger- pointing. Happy with his silver.

``I thought it was the best race of my life,'' Ohno said.

It was the best one I ever saw. I'm not sure what it was, but I'm convinced it beats dog racing.

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

South Korea's Hyun-Soo Ahn (348) slams into Apolo Anton Ohno, left and trips up Canada's Mathieu Turcotte, right, in a crash on the final turn of the 1,000-meter short-track finals.

Erick Schlegel/Associated Press