SHEDDING TEARS OF ENJOYMENT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Was UCLA's zigzag performance Thursday finally enough to zap itself onto the tournament radar screens of those self-proclaimed experts enamored with non-West Coast hoops? Or is it gonna take one more insanely zinging performance against the weakest of the top seeds, the Memphis Caliparis, to wake up those Wooden echoes?

Care to wonder how Steve Lavin woulda tried to orchestrate those lastdesperate minutes against what turned out to be a ship of choking foolswhose rent has finally come due at the Morrison Hotel?

Instead of ``One Shining Moment'' during its final video montage, will CBS pull out a version of Roy Orbison's ``Crying'' as a final tribute to `Stashe Morrison and J.J. ``Dy-no-mite'' Redick?

Have LSU's fly swatters hit upon the ``Big Baby'' formula that'll take `em all the way to the special place that Shaq never found?

Time yet to sandblast that smile off your grill after witnessing Dukepuke?

By George, doesn't George Mason's run have to end pretty darn soon?

-- So how did those non-mid-major rejects fare in the NIT?

-- Again, what's all this shadowy legal logic behind Barry Bonds' lawsuit against the authors and publishers of ``Game of Shadows''? It's not challenging the facts, but how the supposedly sealed documents fell into their investigative laps?

Isn't this a perfect example of Bonds' destructive pride that's so well documented in said manuscript?

Would Bonds' butcher boys be as quick to litigate against the IRS ifit somehow discovered a stash of cash from autograph sessions funneledto a girlfriend that Bonds didn't bother to report because he didn't think it was anyone else's business?

And how long does Bud Selig keep his hairpiece over his eyes before finally throwing the book at Bonds? Must he wait like the rest of us until Bonds ``officially'' responds in the premiere of the upcoming ESPN non-reality show?

-- Does Alfonso Soriano's insistence on playing second basefor the Washington Nationals sound like something coming out of left field?

Doesn't he realize that flyballs dropping in front, behind and to either side of him don't count as an error if you never touch 'em, meaning his fielding percentage will actually improve?

-- Do the Trojans backers of sore-backed John David Booty quietly back off now that he's taking the rest of the spring practice off?

-- Is Amare Stoudimire's first game with the Phoenix Suns awake-up call for the rest of the NBA's Western Conference?

-- When the DVD version of ``Failure To Launch'' finally launches, can one of the director's cuts be to cut out that agonizingly awkward moment when Terry Bradshaw strolls around in his birthday suit while pondering the mysteries of life with Matthew McConaughey?

-- When all is said and done, wouldn't Condi Rice want to beremembered as the dictatorial force behind putting an NFL team back inL.A. instead of spreading democracy throughout the world?

-- Has Al Davis applied for the job yet?