SHE WON'T BE SNOWED BY L.A.'S FASHIONISTAS.

Byline: JILLIAN O'CONNOR

With ski hats in 70-something weather, Uggs in August and woolen scarves paired with low-cut tank tops, L.A. residents are engaged in a semi-conscious conspiracy to look very, very confused.

This doesn't usually surprise the rest of the nation, but it does tick them off, because it's not just harmless dress-up: Needlessly wearing winter clothing is offensive to cold people.

Go to any mall in L.A. on a sunny day, and you're sure to see scads of doofuses wearing hats meant for slalom, and big thick scarves. Why? Are they trying to ``punk'' tourists from Minnesota? Or is this merely conspicuous consumption of fuzzy clothing?

The hipsters have got to be stopped.

In the first place, they could risk choking if the ends of their woolen neckerchiefs should catch on a parking meter or get trapped in a Range Rover door.

And in the second place, it just looks plain stupid.

Some say L.A. people are just expressing their individuality. I say they're overheated from the weight of their thermal accessories, and it's affecting their fashion judgment.

You wouldn't find a living soul in Maine wearing a scarf with a tank top on a 65-degree day (if they even have them there). They revel in the absence of sleet storms in a way that can't be understood by people from a climate with 350 great days a year.

To see a Southern Californian flaunting a scarf on a beautiful sunny day is just a slap in the face. (They're clearly from here, because the transplants have already burned all their knitwear.) Those items are the shackles of former servitude to weather and should not be worn lightly - and never paired with a butt logo.

Hats and scarves are cute, elfin fashion accessories to Angelenos, but people familiar with actual weather grow up loathing these articles of clothing - learning to defy both Mother Nature and their moms on a regular basis by yanking them off at the first chance. (Only frostbite can stop this rebellion, and only if the mercury dips below 5 and loss of appendages is imminent.)

The lack of perceptible weather can make people do funny things, too, so Angelenos fetishize their winter clothing. Even to the point of turning minuscule women into human Clydesdales, wearing behemoth faux-fur boots rated for a nasty wind-chill factor in Antarctica.

But unless they are working on the set of a movie about militantly libidinous penguins, L.A. natives don't need to dress to protect themselves from the elements, so they've lost touch with the functional aspects of clothing. Since truly chilly weather is a foreign concept, protective winter gear has no meaning in Los Angeles - except maybe to help the eating-disordered pile on a few extra ounces to pass a physical.

Like most things in L.A., winter is simply an idea, not a reality, so the accessories take on fanciful connotations and an exotic glamour. ``Ooh, is that real Gore-Tex?''

The absence of low temperatures means Angelenos never need to buy winter coats, and that they should never, ever come in contact with lamb's wool. There is an established order of operations to getting dressed when you're genuinely cold (and not just grasping at a fashion statement): At the first sign of a chill, you grab a sweater. Later comes the jacket, and then the gloves. And if it's really icy out, you'll need a hat and a scarf.

The L.A. rules for toasty dressing, in contrast, are better suited for porno films about East Coast coeds: first the negligee, then a scarf and hat ... and ooh, maybe some pants.

Chicago Tribune columnist Ellen Warren recently mourned the loss of Uggs as a fashion trend because they're ``perfect for Chicago winters.'' Which, of course, points to the travesty that a Midwesterner has caught on to the fact that these boots are way out of style before we have. Even they're ditching the clodhoppers, and they have an actual use for them - beyond appreciating that lovely dirt-filled fleece trim.

But there's no need to fear that L.A. will lose its quasi-fashionista status, because there are plenty of other season-defying trends in development, such as snowshoes at Malibu (de rigueur when stacking one's igloo on the beach) and grass-sledding at Griffith Park.

Because to be cool, you've gotta at least try to look cold.

Jillian O'Connor, [phone]

jillian.oconnor(at)dailynews.com

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She's obviously not from Maine - where scarves are paired with woolen hats, never with lightweight attire.