SELF-INDULGENCE PAVES ROAD TO UNPOPULARITY.

Byline: Phil Perrier Local View

AMERICANS are, for the most part, nice people. So why does the rest of the world hate us so much? The following should help answer this question:

News stories about our overweight pets. About a billion people on the planet are starving, and we've got schnauzers that can pinch an inch on their forehead.

Ben & J. Lo. Our constant obsession with cheesy celebrities and their lives. Who cares?

Humvees. In China you're lucky to have a one-speed bike; in America soccer moms ride to the mall in giant military vehicles that get 40 feet to the gallon. Looks a trifle self-indulgent.

Guns. In other countries people shoot each other over political differences. In America people shoot each other because they are disgruntled.

Money. In Mexico the average worker makes about $2 a day. In America the average person buys a mocha latte for $4 a day.

Food. The Third World is racked by famine; we invent devices in our sink for the disposal of food. Try explaining this to someone in Somalia. You thought the Maytag repairman was lonely. Talk to the garbage-disposal king of Mogadishu. He's playing Tetris all day long.

Tourists. Let's face it, most Americans who travel are not the best goodwill ambassadors. Most Americans you see abroad are drunken guys from Texas wearing Bermuda shorts. Enough said.

Sex. Movies, TV, video games. We are simultaneously very hung up and very horny. The problem is, much of the rest of the world is even more hung up and even more horny. While Britney kissing Madonna makes us want to TiVo, it makes our enemies want to kill.

Whining. Dr. Phil, Oprah, Tony Robbins - we can't get enough self-help. We have more than any other country; yet we are constantly bellyaching about our ``issues,'' about how we want to bring them to ``closure'' and about our poor little ``inner child.''

Billionaires in hot-air balloons. There is always at least one American jackass - one who made way too much money - attempting to circle the globe in a balloon. Hello. It's 2003. We have airplanes. This may have been really cool in 1803; now it's time to buy a Ferrari and date a stripper like a normal rich buffoon.

Bombs. We have a nasty habit of saying we are going to ``liberate'' other countries, then dropping several hundred tons of hot metal on them. Then we drop packages of food. Thus, some people survive carpet bombing only to die when freeze-dried bologna falls on their heads.

Satellite TV. Anna Nicole Smith, Gary Busey, Ron Popeil, ``Walker Texas Ranger.'' People in other countries see these people, and we wonder why they hate us?