SECRET'S OUT: YOUNG LOVE IS, LIKE, NOT SO GREAT.

Byline: MELISSA HECKSCHER

Dear Diary,

So don't you just wish you could be a teenager again? You know, re-experience the excitement of all those "firsts" -- the first kiss, the first crush, the first clammy-handed dance inside the junior high gymnasium and first "seven minutes in heaven" that felt much, much longer than that?

Wouldn't it be, like, so totally great to do it all over again?

Uh, well ... no.

Why not? Because for all our idealizing about youth, when you think about it -- really think about it, that is -- being young and innocent and baggage-free is not as "Wonder Years" wonderful as our memories make it out to be. At least not when it comes to romance.

"Too often, when we look back at the subject of young love, we really sand it down to this very innocent thing," says David Nadelberg, a 33- year-old Los Angeles writer and producer whose latest book, "Mortified: Love Is a Battlefield" (Simon Spotlight, 2008), chronicles various adolescent tribulations through actual teenage diary entries. "It's not all trampled flowers, but it's not all as rosy and perfect as people imagine."

"(When we're kids) we don't just like someone. We like like someone," Nadelberg says in his introduction to the book. "We don't just flirt. We fixate."

But are we all that different?

Take 16-year-old Scott Lifton. His two-month relationship with "Missy" started out strong, then (within days) followed the same love-her-then-lose-interest pattern also popular with 33-year-old Hollywood guys.

11/7

"Ohh, I love Missy. I mean there's certain things which I hate about her. Her refusal to see 'Star Wars,' 'Batman' and other movies. Her hatred for cheese. But I just love her. Sometimes I'm with her and I just want to squeeze her and kiss her hard. It just felt really good to just lie on top of her."

11/8

We kissed quite a few times and I think I'm really good at it now. I've been thinking though ... do I want to go out with this girl for the rest of my high school career? She has no interest in sex or drinking.

11/18

I'm pissed now. Not pissed but confused. Every time I'm not with Missy I always think about the problems in our relationship. Why go steady with someone in high school unless you're getting married to them? ... I like Missy but I don't want to marry her and I feel trapped. ... I want to be with other people.

See? Boys don't change.

Girls are more idealistic. At 14, Lorelei Hill Butters, for instance, really like-liked "Lawrence." He didn't like her -- but that didn't matter.

NOVEMBER 8, 1984

"I saw Lawrence today, but briefly. He hopped over the lunch fence to pick something up. It was funny how he can just use one arm to elevate his whole body. God, I swear he can do absolutely no wrong with me! Kim says I'd probably even be impressed with the way he goes to the bathroom!"

FEBRUARY 3, 1985

Lawrence supposedly likes some girl named Nicky. We're friends and that's part of the problem ... he put the moves on her last night at the football game! I was really PO'd. Later ... she said to him:

Nicky: Do you know Lori?

Larry: Yeah, she's liked me for 3 years now.

Nicky: Well, then what's the problem?

Larry: I don't really know her.

One day when we're married or goingsteady, he'll read this diary with me in his arms and he'll say, "Gosh Lori, I love you so much now. How could I have been so blind?"

Then, he'll kiss me. And then, who knows, maybe we'll make love or something."

Ah, young love, right?

And let's not forget the true nature of those much-talked-about "firsts." My first kiss, for instance, was terrible (though, to be honest, that could be because the guy doing the kissing had just eaten a jar of garlic dill pickles).

I kept a diary, too. And in the spirit of "Mortified," here's what the 14-year-old me had to say about that monumental milestone:

"Dear Diary,

Jason and I finally kissed and guess what??? I hated it!! I feel so embarrassed because in the movies and stuff they make it seem so great and that everyone likes it, but I didn't. Maybe there is something wrong with me. ... Anyway. We saw 'Short Circuit II' tonight because they wouldn't let us into 'Coming to America' because we weren't 17. I wish I was older. I don't think I can live through the teenage years. I am just beginning to see how hard they are."

Yeah. I think I'll stick with being a grown-up.

-- Melissa

To buy the book, read more totally embarrassing teenage confessions, or find out more about the stage version of "Mortified" (where people get onstage and read their childhood diaries), log onto www.getmortified.com.

melissa.hecksher(at)dailybreeze.com.