SARA LEE, DOLLY MADISON ARE OUR ENEMIES NOW.

Byline: Phil Perrier Local View

I am not a trained dietitian, nor do I play one on TV. But I have looked around and noticed something. People in this country are getting fat. Real fat.

In these parts, people have the decency to have their fat sucked out with surgical hoses, but out in the rest of the country, the so-called red states, Americans are rapidly turning into a race of Giant Manatee people. Huge, blubbery creatures; waddling around malls and mega-markets, wearing big soft elastic sweat clothes and warm-up suits; bumping into things and getting stuck in doorways.

None of these people admit they are fat. They are ``big boned'' or suffering from a ``glandular condition'' or they have ``wrecked'' their ``metabolism'' with ``dieting.''

The fact is, most of these people are on a diet, the Atkins Diet! (cue evil organ music).

``You can eat anything on the Atkins Diet,'' they say.

That is not the Atkins Diet, that is the Every Fat Slob in America Diet. To hear most Atkins-heads tell it, as long as you don't eat carbohydrates (bread, rice, grain, cake, etc.) you can eat ``anything.'' In other words, according a meal consisting of a boiled turkey and a bottle of scotch is perfectly acceptable.

Wrong! The real Atkins Diet essentially says, as long as you don't eat carbs (ugh!) you can eat anything in moderation. Of course, the word ``moderation,'' for the average American, is a funny, odd-sounding, foreign word, like ``Ciao'' or ``Aragoto.'' When people see ``moderation'' in a book on dieting, they simply assume it must be a misprint.

But take away the word ``moderation,'' and Atkins is the quintessential American diet. We can eat anything! (Angels sing, sun bursts through the clouds!)

It's perfect. Dieting without a hint of sacrifice or personal responsibility. And none of that pesky weight loss.

Since when did ``carbs'' become Public Enemy Number One? Our archenemy used to be fascism, then it was communism. Now, it's carbs. We have replaced Hitler and Mussolini with Sara Lee and Dolly Madison.

A big part of Atkins' popularity is the fact that corporate America loves it. Now all the companies that are fueling the obesity craze can simply call everything ``low-carb'' or ``carb-select.''

Instead of buying less food, we can buy more, on our ``diet.''

I have actually heard people say, ``I can't afford to go on a diet.'' Yes, you can. It's called not eating! Much of the world is doing it as we speak with amazing results. In fact, the Third World has all but eradicated obesity as we know it. Ethiopia and the Sudan in particular have made great strides in calorie reduction.

Meanwhile, in America, the companies that make our food are adjusting for the new large. Everything is huge now: ``Super-Sized,'' ``Extra-Meat,'' ``Stuffed-Crust.''

Have you bought a soda at a convenience store lately? ``Yes, I'd like the pony keg of root beer please. That's right, the 98-Ounce Bladder Buster. I'd like to have total renal failure by noon. Yes, I would like the free adult diaper that comes with it.''

Sadly, the one person who could right this listing blubber ship is Dr. Atkins, and he is dead. How did he die? Well, according to his Web site he died from ``complications following a head injury.''

My guess: The ``head injury'' was a ``complication'' of Dr. Atkins falling to the ground during a massive coronary, caused by his arteries being clogged with cheese.