Ruth Graham column: So why don't men look at me anymore?
THE word recently has been stress, hasn't it?
And we all know that certain events in life cause more stress than others - marriage, birth, death, the break-up of the All Saints, that kind of thing.
But nothing's more stressful to a woman than what's been happening to me lately.
Not only have I been called Ma'am by several shop assistants (a sure sign of ageing), I've been ignored by a waiter (an Italian one at that!), and to top it all, I was even approached in a department store and handed a leaflet on plastic surgery!
My ego was starting to feel more than a tad bruised, so it was with great joy that I overheard a man at a party last week saying he thought I had a face that launched a thousand ships.
It was only when it was too late and I'd wangled an introduction into his circle that I realised he'd actually said the word HAUNTS and not launch.
So that's why I ended up watching the whole of John Cleese's recent series called The Human Face.
I was hoping to uncover the mystery of attraction and find out exactly what makes some of us more sexy, and why we think beautiful people are cleverer and harder-working.
Well, what depressing answers they were!
Apparently it's all summed up with the word 'symmetry'.
The more symmetrical our faces, the more beautiful we're judged to be. Never mind the fact that someone can be as shallow as a kid's paddling pool and have the personality of a telephone dialling tone. But it's all wrong, isn't it?
If only we could overcome this biological hurdle and start looking more at the sizes of our hearts, maybe the world would be a better, fairer place.
But, sadly, this approach is a long way off. I can't imagine the day when a woman will walk into the local wine bar and overhear a manly chorus of: 'Wow look at the size of her generosity!'
If I were in power, I would at least make a start on evening up the score for us non-symmetricals out there.
I'd put all beautiful women, like Caprice, in plastic caps and get them bagging giblets in a factory for a day - just to see if they ended up looking like the rest of us.
I'd have a National No Make-Up day once a year so that we were all competing on a level playing field.
And I'd set up a dating agency full of single, male Midland archaeologists because at least then we local women would understand the dialect of our potential suitors, and the older we got the more interested they'd be in us.
But until my heady ascent to power happens, I've discovered a simple solution.
If symmetry really makes you more attractive, it's amazing how much more symmetrical one's face becomes when you wear a low-cut top.
HEAD TURNER... Caprice is one of the beautiful people