Rumsfeld: kick me hard.

Three frequently asked questions about Reagan's funeral:

Q: Is it really over, or is this just an intermission?

A: Well, if Karl Rove had his way, they'd still be dragging me body back and forth across the country in the bed of a Ford F-150 pickup, stopping at county fairs right up till the election.

Q: Wasn't the media coverage kind of overdone?

A: You think so? I switched on the national news, and they cut from another unctuous paean to Reagan to a story on the Laci Peterson trial and I actually heard myself mutter out loud, "Thank God."

Q: Do you really think they'll put Ronnie's face on the $10 bill?

A: I'm thinking the $10,000 bill would be much more appropriate.

Our self-described War President recently said, "The enemies of peace must be isolated." What? Is he finally sending Cheney and Wolfowitz to their rooms without dinner?

Meanwhile, one rightwing protester at a gay marriage ceremony in Massachusetts held up a sign reading: "God hates fags." Look, if you're carrying around that darling little sign, you must also hold the opinion that God loves bigoted intolerant idiots.

EYES ONLY and NO, that DOESN'T include those weasels Richard Clarke, Paul O'Neill, and Bob Woodward.

MEMO: From the desk of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to President George W. Bush

Title: DAMAGE CONTROL

cc: Dick Cheney

Dubyah:

Hey, buddy. Thought I better give you a heads up on this whole Abu Ghraib prison deal.

I compiled a list of possible damage control measures I intend on using that I hope will be useful in extricating ourselves from this tar baby. With a skillful blend of message and media, we could turn this into a win-win situation.

* Create an independent panel to investigate the abuses. Don't worry, we'll be in charge of who gets on the panel, if you know what I mean.

* Blame the prison. See if we can get that Stephen King guy to agree it might be haunted.

* Trot out that whole "we'll have our good days, and less good days" thing again.

* Doctored. The photos were altered. Not all of them. Planting seeds of doubt is all.

* Emphasize the difference between what happens when democracy tortures prisoners and when dictators do. Nobody ever heard Saddam apologize for his torturing, right?

* Talk to Ashcroft, re: outlawing American ownership of cameras.

* Continue to portray anybody who criticizes me as giving comfort to the enemy. Remember, we're in this together.

* Keep calling it just an example of high spirits, that's all. Battle-weary soldiers blowing off steam. Nothing you can't see in a Madonna video. A college fraternity prank. Call Rush.

* Kick me. Hard and loud. No, I mean it. Kick me. In public. Use really sharp-toed shoes.

* What do you think, any chance we can cover Clinton with the blame blanket again? Just thinking out loud.

* The old standby: I don't remember. Can't recall.

* Money. There's got to be somebody we can bribe. Maybe the prisoners themselves?

Political comic Will Durst didn't belong to a fraternity and pranks like this are probably a major reason why.