Rules of the house: are your parents on your side? Then why do they make all those rules?

What are the most annoying words a teen can hear?

"Finish cleaning your room first." "Do your homework before you even think of going out." "And remember, be home by nine o'clock sharp!"

Since the beginning of time, parents have set rules like these for their kids. Sometimes, when you're on the receiving end, it seems like you will never be free to make your own decisions.

Katie Cochrane, 14, of Bark River, Michigan, lists some of her house rules. "My parents have to see a movie first if it's rated PG-13 or R. In the mornings, our rooms have to be clean before we do anything. Homework has to be done when we get home from school--before we get in front of PlayStation or the computer or TV."

Meanwhile, in New York City, seventh-grader Emilio Paone says that he frequently locks horns with his mother over the state of his bedroom.

And how did his parents react when he got into a little trouble recently? "They put me on LDF--Lockdown Forever," Emilio told JS. "I can't go anywhere. I earn my way to go to the store."

Clearly, being young means dealing with limits that someone else is setting. And that can be frustrating.

A Parent's Job

What good are rules, anyway? They are a crucial part of learning how to live in the real world, says child psychologist Laurence Steinberg of Temple University in Philadelphia. "For healthy families," he says, "rules are a way parents take advantage of their own knowledge and maturity, and share that with a child."

"If I as a parent say that you have to be in bed with the lights out by 11 o'clock, I haven't pulled that out of thin air," says Steinberg. "It's because I understand that a person needs a certain amount of sleep to function [work effectively]. And it's my job to make sure that my child gets enough sleep."

Katie Cochrane will go along with that. Yes, she has her share of arguments with her parents. Mostly they argue about certain friends of hers and "the movie thing." Even so, says Katie, "it's all for my own good. I think following rules is what makes you more prepared for growing up."

Choices and Independence

Donna Gold of Stockton Springs, Maine, did a lot of thinking about rules when she was a teen, back in the 1960s. "I was never given any choices," she says. "I was told what I was going to do and what I was going to wear."

So when Donna's son, Daniel Carpenter-Gold, was born, she was determined to help give him choices--and a sense of independence--whenever she could.

"I think he feels very much in control of his own life," she says of Daniel, now 14.

But even with choices, there are rules Daniel must follow--about video games and TV time, getting homework done, avoiding excessive (too much) fast food, and letting his parents know where he is.

Do the rules bother Daniel? "Not really," he says. "For the most part, I feel like I'm pretty unrestricted."

And what about those friends of Daniel's whose parents allow them unlimited access to TV and fast food? In Donna's opinion, "they don't do as well" as teens who must abide by (obey) certain household rules.

Daniel agrees, adding: "A lot of my friends don't seem to have the relationship with their parents that I do with mine."

Bad Rules

Of course, says Laurence Steinberg, not all rules are good. Some can be too restrictive, or limiting--especially for kids who are learning to think for themselves and become independent.

How can a teen handle an unfair rule? "The best thing to do is to come up with an alternative [another choice]," says Steinberg. "This will let [kids] be more independent, but also satisfy their parents' needs to know they are OK."

For instance, if you feel that your curfew is too early, "you could say that you'd like to try having a later curfew on the condition that you will call earlier in the evening and let your parents know where you are and what you're doing."

Still, says Steinberg, the best thing for kids to do is to put themselves in their parents' shoes, "and to say, 'OK, why do my parents have this rule?'" Good rules are not a matter of parental power, he says. "In my experience, most parents construct rules because they think their child is going to be better off because of them."

This is a lesson Emilio Paone is learning. These days, he carefully follows his newest house rule and comes straight home from school. "Every time my mother calls [from work], I'm there," he says. "She's very happy about that."

Your Turn

WORD MATCH

1. function       A. another choice

2. excessive      B. limiting

3. abide by       C. too much

4. restrictive    D. work effectively

5. alternative    E. obey

THINK ABOUT IT

What rules do you have at home? How have they helped to make you a better student, or a more mature person?

* OBJECTIVE

Students should understand

* Children and parents often disagree over household rules, but experts believe that such guidelines provide children with important life lessons.

* WORDS TO KNOW

function: to serve a purpose or perform a role * excessive: beyond what is considered acceptable, proper, or usual * abide by: to obey * restrictive: acting as a limit or control on something.

* TEACHING STRATEGY

Encourage students to name any rules that they must live by according to their parents or guardians. Ask: "What rules do you have at home that you think are fair or unfair?"

* CRITICAL THINKING

MAKING INFERENCES: How can rules help a person prepare for adulthood? (Rules can help children develop the skills and discipline to function in society. Rules can also help teach children how to compromise and communicate in order to resolve a conflict.)

CAUSE AND EFFECT: According to Laurence Steinberg, how can teens effectively handle an unfair rule? (Steinberg suggests that teens approach their parents with an alternative to an unfair rule. This strategy will help teens become more independent, but also help maintain parents' authority over their children.)

* ACTIVITY

MY GENERATION: Instruct students to interview their parents, grandparents, or guardians. Through their interviews, students are to learn about the rules that their subjects had to live by when they were growing up. How do the rules and expectations of past generations compare with the rules that teens must live by today?

STANDARDS

SOCIAL STUDIES GRADES 5-8

* Individual identity and development: How children and parents work together to establish household rules.

* Civic ideals and practice: How learning to abide by rules and meet parental expectations can provide lessons necessary for adulthood.

RESOURCES

PRINT

* Bradley, Michael J., Yes, Your Parents Are Crazy! (Harbor Press, 2004), Grades 7-8.

* Fuller, Doris and Natalie, Promise You Won't Freak Out (Berkeley, 2004). Grade 8.

WEB SITES

* Kids Health http://kidshealth.org/teen/

* Parents and Teens www.parent-teen.com

ANSWERS

1. D

2. C

3. E

4. B

5. A