Respect: learning to value yourself and others. (Keep The Cool In School A Scholastic Campaign Against Violence and Verbal Abuse).

WHY DO we have such a hard time seeing ourselves as we really are? Most of us have a somewhat distorted view of ourselves. And many of us distort in negative ways--we feel dumber, uglier, less capable, and less desirable than we really are. Why do we twist the truth so much?

The answer is related to how the brain processes information. Some fascinating studies demonstrate that we tend to focus on negative rather than positive input and cues. This is likely related to a key role of the human brain--to look for potential threat in order to keep us alive and well. In other words, the brain is more attentive to potentially negative or threatening input, which plays a role in how each of us develops our sense of "self."

Many of our learning experiences and interactions with parents and teachers are filled with negative signals. Too often, parenting and teaching involve instruction and re-instruction using "no": Don't do that. Stop yelling. Don't wear that. Not that way. No.

This is even more pronounced for youth with learning or attention problems. These individuals hear roughly three times more negative than positive comments in a day from parents and teachers. No wonder they have difficulty respecting themselves!

Self-respect is at the heart of respecting others. When you can identify and appreciate your strengths and accept your vulnerabilities--but on the whole value yourself--it's easier to truly respect the value in others. As you develop respect for yourself and others, it's easier to understand shortcomings and focus on qualities and strengths that make you and others unique. So the next time you feel lousy about yourself--and keep dwelling on what you didn't do right--take a step back and think about all the things you do well. Learn to give yourself a break.

HARD WORK:

In a typical performance review--in class or sports, for example--a person dwells on missed answers or the dropped pass. Somehow, the mostly correct answers or caught catches don't sink in as much. The brain's bias to focus on negative information makes it more difficult for someone to respect the positive aspects of their hard work.

This is the last of six articles by Dr. Bruce Perry on "Core Strengths" that can help prevent teen violence. Dr. Perry is the Provincial Medical Director of Children's Mental Health in Alberta, Canada.