Releasing the hurt inside.

The 33-year-old woman sat up nervously in her hospital bed. She had requested a visit from me. As I entered the room she spoke intently, her voice choking with emotion.

"Chaplain, I've got something horrible to share. Please listen. I must tell someone!"

I nodded. "Go ahead. It's safe to talk about it, Laura (pseudonym). We've known each other quite a while ... just take your time."

"Well, sometimes it seems like I can't go on! feel dirty. I'm not worth anything. l wonder if God can forgive me."

At this point she broke into a torrent of tears. I reached for a small box of tissues on the nightstand beside her bed.

"It hurts pretty bad, doesn't it?"l managed. "Are you telling me about something that happened a long way back in your life?"

"Yes, in my childhood," she stammered. "It was awful! My stepfather was involved. l just hate him. It happened lots of times. He made me promise never to tell anyone. And I haven't till now. But I've just got to let it all out. I can't hold it inside anymore!"

As a hospital chaplain I have listened to many hurting people in recent years with similar experiences from childhood. Hearing these painful stories of sexual abuse makes your heart ache for these innocent victims.

If you are a victim of incest, you are not alone. There are 250,000 new cases of incest (reported) per year in the United States. In the decade of the 1980s, the growing scope of this tragedy was beginning to unfold to researchers. The 1984 Kempe and Kernpe report mentions 2 million runaway children per year. Forty to 60 percent of them ran away because they were sexually abused.

More and more people today are recognizing that they have been prey to this horrible crime. Many female incest victims are assaulted by a father, an uncle, a grandfather, a brother. And the number of male victims is increasing at an alarming rate.

Hartford Community Medical Center physician Michael Shepherd says, "The depth of the scars left on children because of this abuse may best be understood by realizing that incest is meted out by the very people they rely on for care, shelter, food, and love.

"These children develop extreme shame in themselves, as well as deep-set anger at the very person they love and desperately desire. Since they need the parent for survival, their shame turns the anger inwardly, resulting in a sense of worthlessness.

"As the child becomes older, he or she will often turn to alcohol or other drugs in an attempt to numb the anger and keep from looking at his or her own shame. The sad truth is that these substances don't comfort or help. They only acid to the adolescent/ adult's shame. And all too frequently suicide is considered the only solution."

What can adults do now who were victimized as children?

Turn to the Lord. Learn to talk with God about your situation. Recognize that there is hope in Him. He can help make your life anew. I recently wrote a song on this subject, and one of the verses says: Some think of childhood, and remember the pain, Searching for sunshine, finding only the rain. Learning too soon things a child shouldn't know, Trying to hide, with nowhere to go.

But our Father stands with His arms open wide, Turn to Me, child, it is safe to confide ! Discover that it is safe to share secrets with God in prayer.

Get help. Support groups are available throughout the country that can help you in the recovery process. Contact:

Incest Survivors Anonymous, World Service Office, P.O. Box 21 81 7, Baltimore, MD 21222. Request a list of cities with support groups.

Steps is a quarterly newsletter on Christian recovery. Write to P.O. Box 11095, Whittier, CA 90603.

Books such as An Open Door, by Jan Frank, and Child Sexual Abuse: A Hope for Healing, by Maxine Hancock and Karen Mains, can be helpful.

Many people are willing and available to listen to you without judgment or criticism. A teacher, clergyman, friend, professional counselor, doctor, nurse, grandparent, or a parent who can be trusted. Let out your feelings. For some people, these feelings have not totally surfaced in 40 or more years.

You may have pushed the incident(s) of abuse out of your conscious mind. However, you have felt at times that something is definitely bothering you. It may be an event, a story, or perhaps these series of articles that can help trigger the process of recall. Healing may begin for you today!

Signs of Childhood Sexual Abuse

1. The child is withdrawn.

2. Suspicious marks on his or her body. Excuses about always falling down.

3. The " pleaser" who is afraid to confront authority figures.

4. Low self-esteem.

5. He or she knows more about sex than

6. Genital itching, infection, or discharge.

7.The child does not want to be left alone with a certain adult.

Don Williams is chaplain at Hanford Community Medical Center, Hanford, California.