Record tv; PICK OF THE DAY Jess's bare necessities.
I'M A CELEBRITY... GET ME OUT OF HERE!
STV, 9pm JESSICA-JANE Clement may be the least famous celebrity in this year's jungle line-up but, as the only woman under 30, she's already bagged the lion's share of the publicity.
The Real Hustle star and model has packed three bikinis which, pound for pound, could easily turn out to be a more profitable investment than any that Lord Sugar or Peter Jones have ever made in their lives.
Also hoping to boost their celebrity stock in this year's bugathon are TOWIE star Mark Wright, McFly's Dougie Poynter, Lorraine Chase, Freddie Starr, ex-Olympic javelin thrower Fatima Whitbread, Benidorm actress Crissy Rock, retired jockey Willie Carson and actress Stefanie Powers, who, I have only just realised, is a completely separate person to Stephanie Beacham.
And, as the stars settle into camp tonight, we're hoping for his sake that Antony Cotton won't turn out to be this year's answer to The Incredible Fainting Gillian McKeith.
The Corrie star has admitted to being afraid of flying, heights and claustrophobia, which is practically asking to be locked in a crate and dangled from a helicopter while Ant and Dec giggle encouragement from a safe distance.
We wish all of them the best of Aussie luck.
KEMP GOES COMMANDO ROSS KEMP BACK ON THE FRONTLINE SKY1, 9pm HE has spent so much time in fatigues in his second career as a war reporter that Ross Kemp might seem to know as much about fighting the Taliban as some of the recruits he meets in his new five-part series.
Even so you might be shocked by tonight's episode to find him briefing a group of Royal Marines about their latest mission.
It's an easy mistake to make but the bald man addressing the troops isn't actually Kemp - it's one of the top brass.
The artist formerly known as Grant Mitchell is sitting among his new fighting buddies, cunningly disguised by a camouflaged hat.
Kemp wants to know what all the fighting has actually achieved and how realistic the hope is that our troops will pull out in 2014.
To find out, he's embedded with Whiskey Company 45 Commando Royal Marines, a fighting force made up of 140 of our toughest soldiers and 1000 tattoos.
THE UNDER COVERS COP CONFESSIONS OF AN UNDERCOVER COP C4, 9pm REMEMBER the ponytailed cop who made headlines earlier this year after taking down more than just the particulars of some of the female environmental activists he was supposed to be spying on? Here he gives his version of events, albeit with slightly shorter hair.
Mark Kennedy was married with two kids when he went undercover with a mission to report back to his colleagues to make it easier for them to police demonstrations.
And from what we're told tonight, he did the job rather well. But he also did a no-no by falling in love with one of the people he was supposed to be "gathering intelligence" on.
Mark and his tent-dwelling new squeeze were in a relationship for four years. He admits to sleeping with one other activist (rumour has it there may be more).
When his cover was blown, everything fell apart - his marriage, his affair and his life as Mark Stone, which he'd come to enjoy. But a fact given at the end of the programme might have you asking: "Why bother?" HORRIFIC HYSTERIA AMERICAN HORROR STORY FX, 10pm IF you thought last week's pilot for this new haunted house series was way over the top, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Episode two, which sees the Harmon family learn the hard way that their new home is on the tourist Murder Trail, is relentless, deranged, terrifying, nasty, sick and hilarious. And that's just the cup cakes.
ALL THE GOSS FROM YOUR SOAPS EMMERDALE STV, 7pm IF it weren't for Jai, Mia would never have been born. And if it weren't for Declan shooting his mouth off, she'd still be alive.
Even so, it's Declan who's acting like the poor victim tonight as he bans everyone else from his daughter's funeral.
CORONATION STREET STV, 7.30pm & 8.30pm LORD knows that Corrie has put us through the mill often enough over the years but it's hard to think of an episode more guaranteed to bring on great gulping sobs than tonight's as Chesney is persuaded to change his mind about Schmeichel's op. Anyone who says "it's only a dog" should be banned from watching TV ever again.
EASTENDERS BBC1, 8pm JUST when it looked like 'Enders had found an adorable female double act in Jodie and Poppy (E20's answer to 2 Shoes), Jodie is off tonight, with Poppy to follow shortly. Apparently there just isn't enough room for sunny, funny, glass-half-full types in Walford.
There is however, plenty of space for bulbous bullies like Phil Mitchell, who's currently being wound up by some mysterious old photos.
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HATTA GIRL 3Jessica-Jane Clement HATTA BOY Z Dougie Poynter ESSEX SYMBOL 3 Mark Wright DISGUISE J Ross Kemp SLEEPER J Mark Kennedy OVER J THE TOP Ben Harmon SNAP UNHAPPY J Phil looks at an old photo