Reclaiming choice.

As time passes, we tend to grow set in our ways. We develop habits of thinking and behaving that seem fixed. Sometimes we feel trapped, without alternatives, and many things seem hopelessly beyond our control. At such times, life appears very grim.

We forget that we choose much of what we do.

This fixedness becomes part of how we express ourselves. It shows in our use of language -- sometimes lightheartedly, sometimes not.

I'm all thumbs. I'm a shopaholic. Every time I open my mouth, I put my foot in it. I can't exercise. I never eat spinach. I can't do math. I can't give up cigarettes. I'm a failure.

Recently, I started getting hives. A doctor suggested I keep track of what I eat and drink. I began to suspect that several foods, including chocolate, gave me hives.

My linguistic response went like this:

"I can't eat chocolate."

I looped this thought around for a while until it became:

"I can't ever eat chocolate again."

Not a pretty thought.

And a misleading map.

The fact remains, I can eat chocolate whenever I want, as much as I want. I do have that choice.

The sequence of events goes:

* Eat chocolate [right arrow] probably get hives.

I can choose to eat chocolate, and experience the results of my actions.

Or I can choose not to eat chocolate, and experience the results of my choice.

In most cases, I would prefer the second choice.

One may apply such evaluating to other behaviors.

* Smoke cigarettes [right arrow] may get cancer.

* Think in either-or terms [right arrow] make more mistakes.

* Habitually arrive late [right arrow] alienate friends and colleagues.

We make choices. We experience the results.

"I hate exercise." I'd sometimes say that to myself or to others. Physical therapists and doctors tell me I should exercise. They generally don't emphasize why, probably assuming that I'll make the connection.

Experience has shown me that when I perform certain exercises regularly I feel better physically-emotionally.

"I hate the word 'should."' For me should has implications of authority, discipline, of someone making me do what I don't want to do.

The word should serves us more effectively if we put it in context, as part of a logical construction: in order to achieve A, we should do B.

In order to feel better, I should exercise regularly.

In my own experience, I've found that defining this as my choice has helped me get beyond my dislike of exercise, and stick to a daily stretching and exercise routine.

We reclaim choice, when we use should in a way that says what we will accomplish.

Conversely, if we don't want A, we have no reason to feel we should do B.

Reclaiming Choice

To reclaim choice, use phrases such as "in order to" when you use imperatives such as should.

In order to stay healthy, I should eat apples. Because I want good health, I choose to do so.

To reclaim choice, instead of thinking or saying "I can't eat, do, etc.," think in terms of the desired consequences. You choose what you don't do.

If I continually act in a disorganized manner, my work will suffer, so I choose not to. If I drink too much, I may get hung over... If I treat people badly, I'll make life more difficult for myself... I'll get angry, I'll get indigestion... so I choose not to.

Many of your habits, no matter how deeply they seem ingrained, began as choices at one level or another.

Some habits will seem very difficult to change. However, by modifying your use of words, you can make changes for the better, as more appropriate language habits become part of your thinking, evaluating, and related behaving.

If you feel stuck, pause, look for alternatives, and choose yours.

When using should, include the reason why.

We can reclaim choice, a valuable step toward taking charge of our lives.

Paul Dennithorne Johnston chooses to work as executive director of the International Society for General Semantics and not to eat chocolate for a while. Copyright [C] 1996 Paul Dennithorne Johnston.