Reading between the holy lines.

I'm not saying this in any kind of Mayflower snooty way, but I was recently jiggering with some of those nifty Mormon genealogy computer programs and have traced my lineage back through St. Bridget to Mary Magdalene and Jesus. I don't mean to brag, but it turns out I have Jesus's cheekbones. For a couple of extra dollars, I also found that my partner, a goddess of multitasking, is a direct descendant of the many armed and dangerous Hindu goddess, Kali.

Despite our luminous lineage, we would not be allowed to adopt a child in the Boston Archdiocese of Mormon Mitt's Massachusetts.

Apparently the 2003 Vatican statement that same-sex-adoptions are "gravely immoral" and "would actually mean doing violence to these children" was not trumped by the trumpeted 2006 papal encyclical, "Deus Caritas Est" of "God Is Love." In his first official papal letter, after the semi-official papal post-it "Harrium Potterum Anti-Christum Est," Benedict XVI mused to the faithful on the glories of Clove.

The papal apologists at The New York Times expressed surprise in their article on the encyclical that the Pope did not denounce the abomination of gay marriage. They seemed unwilling to read between the holy lines when the Pope went on and on about the sacred rightness of the love between a man and a woman.

But P.P.S., papal post scriptum, what does His Papal Red Pumpness know of love? With those deep-set eyes, was he a big dater before seminary? Does he have a secret stash of Harlequin Romances? Is Danielle Steel soon to be on the fast track to sainthood? Is he actually admitting that unmarried priests really are loveless losers? Does he have a pull-string doll of Jack Nicholson saying to Helen Hunt in As Good As It Gets, "You make me a better man"?

Though the evangelist John wrote, "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him," Holy Smokescreen, there are some exceptions to all that abiding. When the state of Massachusetts required the church to follow anti-discrimination laws in order to receive public dollars, the Boston Archdiocese stopped doing adoptions altogether.

The new Pope, Benedict, makes the old Pope, John Paul, seem as benign as Mr. Magoo. He is intent on winnowing and purifying his flock. He holds a tight rein on his shepherds, who seem eager to do his bidding, and he is removing any hint of brokebacklash from the herd.

Newsflash to gay Catholics: The church hates your guts. No matter the goodness in your lineage. Be mindful if your host or wine tastes a little funny. I would suggest not sitting in the front pew. I would suggest leaving.

Kate "Ambien makes me eat eggs Benedict at night" Clinton is a humorist.