Ramp rules.

I FINALLY GOT off my buns and got the ramp going. Yeah, no turd. I'm looking out my back door at it right now. Am I excited about having my very own mini-ramp in my backyard? Well ... yes and no. I've lived at enough houses with ramps to be more than aware of the drawbacks of living at a "ramp house." The trash, the noise, the constant visitors, the complaints from the neighbors ... Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked that I have a built-in spot to ride anytime I want, but I just know I need to lay down some ground rules. I thought I'd print up a little list of ramp rules and hand them out to my friends when they come ride. But then I remembered that I have a column in Thrasher, and figured that'd be a way better way of spreading the word.

#1 THIS ONE IS pretty simple (and I would think obvious). But I know better than to assume it is. Call before coming over. Yeah, it's that simple. Just give me a call and see if it's cool to stop by. Don't drive over here thinking that somehow the sight of your face is going to make it cool to ride. (You remember what your face looks like don't you?) And if you don't have my phone number then there's a good chance we're not really friends so I don't really need you hanging out at my house anyway, right? Go hang out at one of your actual friend's houses. Like Greg's. Are y'all still friends?

#2 ANOTHER OBVIOUS ONE. When it's time to go, it's time to go. So if we're riding and I have to leave to go to Linens & Things with my wife to shop for new shower curtain rods, then you need to get your trap together and head out the gate. Don't ask if you can stick around and lock up behind yourself. The only reason this is a rule is because I've hung out at enough backyard ramps when none of the owners are there to know that it doesn't take long before taking photos with the coping on fire starts sounding like a good idea.

#3 THIS RULE IS pretty standard issue and a matter of common courtesy but I'll go ahead and write it in case you've never lived at a ramp house. The rule is that anybody who donated money to the construction of the ramp is pretty much welcome to come skate anytime. Even if I don't really feel like skating. Since the number of my friends who I asked to contribute money towards the construction of my ramp equals zero, this rule works out pretty well on my end. Yeah yeah, I know--you would have given me five to ten bucks if I'd asked. That's why I didn't ask.

#4 THIS IS WHERE I start adding rules to the list that may be specific to my particular ramp. If your buddy has a ramp these rules might not apply. Different ramps, different rules, you know? So at my ramp, the rule is: if you're bringing beer then you better bring enough for the house. Like at school where you're supposed to bring enough candy for the whole class, you know? So anyway, I drink Pacifico while my wife is more of a Belgian Brewery type of lady. And don't forget those limes. (For the Pacifico, not the Fat Tire.)

#5 IF YOU HAPPEN to come skate my ramp and you're one of those child prodigy type of kids, just keep it to yourself. Seriously. I've been skateboarding for damn near 20 years and my bag of tricks is still pretty slim-pickins. So if you're one of those freakishly good kids that hasn't even been alive as long as I've been skating then try not to do my whole run switch the first time you drop in. I have enough self-esteem issues to contend with already (my big ears for example).

#6 DON'T BANG the crap out of your tail against the coping every time somebody does something that's slightly radical. I know this habit is going to be hard to break, but I'm really trying to keep the volume down at my ramp due to the high number of retired people in my neighborhood. I'm sure we can come up with some other way of showing our combined enthusiasm that is a little less noisy. Maybe we can all give simultaneous thumbs up and blow little kisses? Is that too sucky?

#7 THE HIPPIES LIKE to use the following phrase to describe appropriate camping behavior: "Take only photographs and leave only footsteps." Now I'm no hippy, but I'm still going to adopt this phrase as rule number seven at my A ramp. Because the message is pretty clear, right? Basically it's saying to pick up your god-darn trash and take it home with you. But I think you can also interpret the message as saying: don't put your crappy ass (sand font) skateboard company's sticker on my ramp. And actually, don't even take photographs. Because the only dude that really needs to be shooting photos at my ramp is Burnett. Speaking of which, when are you going to get your ass back to Texas you traitor.

#8 IF YOU DON'T KNOW where I live, then don't call me and ask for directions. Yeah, I know. You're thinking, "Damn, Sieben's a real dick!" Maybe I am? But in my head if you've never bothered to come visit me at my house before I had a ramp then maybe we're not really that good of friends. You've had plenty of opportunities to come over and prove that we're homies. I mean, you've all been invited to my weekly "Come Pick Up Sieben And Drive Him To The Bar And Then Drive Him Back Home Parties" which I have to tell you have not had a very impressive attendance. Oh come on, I'm just kidding. I'll tell you where I live. 2008 Prather Lane. No, wait ... That's where I used to live. My bad.

I'd like to thank Jason Spears for hooking up the Skatelite, Paul Covey for donating all of the wood from his old ramp, and my buddy Ryan Corrigan for taking time out of his schedule to build the ramp for me.