RUSH LIMBAUGH FANS, READ ON.

This week on the Daytime Dial patrol, we take you to the land of yesteryear.

Wayne E. Scott of Camarillo brings us the lineup on the cable channel that presents ``the has-beens of history.'' With no further ado, we present Wayne's ``They're History'' Channel:

Paula Jones vs. William Clinton: Scandal of the century where the networks, CNN, Time and Newsweek show the Paula Jones description of the ``undistinguishing characteristics'' of President Clinton. Hillary is scared; admits to an undisclosed body painting performed by H. Ross Perot during a lull at his daughter's wedding.

Bert & Ernie: Much like Ellen, Bert leaves the closet and confesses a long-term relationship with Ernie. Burt, the illegitimate son of J. Edgar Hoover, and Ernie, who started a nonprofit organization, ``Puppets for Barney Frank,'' are quite comfortable with their confession.

Deep Blue: Successful chess computer now working as a temp janitor for the FBI lab. Has the same fashion coordinator as Dennis Rodman. Enjoys other games like ``Push the Postal Worker Over the Edge'' and ``Pin the Tail on Chelsea's Face.'' Blue has recently written a book called ``Knuckle Dragging With Russian Chess Geeks.''

Tommy Lasorda: Still doing an outstanding job for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Has increased his talking speed about the Dodgers, and only the Dodgers, up to 200 words a second and seldom pauses for a comma. He recently built a dugout in his back yard and hired umpires to come once a day so he can yell at them. Has recently talked Steve Garvey into going to Sunday school.

Janet Reno: A closet Branch Davidian who is actually Dan Quayle in drag. She is concentrating on Bozo the alleged clown, who may know where Jimmy Hoffa is located. Last week was punched out by a White House staff member when she hummed an old rock song, ``Along Came Jones,'' in the East Room.

So, can you do better than Wayne? Can you do better than the other real-life soap plots you see on this page? Can you, too, win yourself an honest-to-Pete DAILY NEWS T-SHIRT?

Send us your plot lines, and we will run them on this page. Make 'em as off the wall and warped as you can - but printable, please - this is still a family newspaper. Then send them one of three ways:

Mail to Daytime Plots, Daily News Features Department, P.O. Box 4200, Woodland Hills, Calif. 91365-4200.

Fax us at [phone].

E-mail us at LALIFENEWSAOL.COM.

Include your full name, city of residence and a daytime phone number.

See you here next week.