ROMANCE SUFFERS WHEN BABY MAKES THREE.

Byline: Jackie Burrell

Contra Costa Times 

When Lynette Scavo of "Desperate Housewives" recently sat down by the side of the road in her fabulous red gown -- midway through the worst romantic date in history -- millions of viewers laughed along.

And Lynette's plaintive anniversary wish -- "We can still have sex, just try not to wake me" -- struck a chord with exhausted, romance-challenged parents everywhere.

For all their dimpled charm, toddlers can be tough on a marriage.

"You can't be somebody's parents all the time," says Stacie Cockrell, co-author of the new book "Babyproofing Your Marriage."

"If that defines your relationship, your marriage is going to wilt," she says.

Truth is, American divorce statistics are alarming even when you're not sleep-deprived. Each year, more than a million children watch their parents go through divorce.

"Kids are never the problem," says Cockrell. "The problem becomes how you as adults react to the challenge of parenthood and how you react to each other as a couple."

Peel away the Madison Avenue images of cherubic infants and impeccably coifed mamas, and the reality is, parenting is hard work.

Walnut Creek psychologist Lara Honos-Webb calls child-rearing "the heavy lifting years."

'There's just too much work for even two happy, healthy parents to get done," she says. "Even if both sides are working as hard as they can, it's physically (and) emotionally exhausting ... A lot of times parents are so tired, they can't even connect."

Date and communicate

Cockrell and co-authors Cathy O'Neill and Julia Stone went looking for advice last year on how to survive those baby-rearing years without becoming one of those dismal statistics themselves. The result is "Babyproofing," a practical, often hilarious survival guide that combines the wisdom of hundreds of parents from all walks of life.

Top tips? Date your spouse. Communicate. Work as a team. And realize that men and women view sex differently.

Exhausted moms who've had babies climbing them all day don't have much desire for physical intimacy come sundown, says Cockrell, but for dads, sex is intimacy. It's how they connect with their wives.

"Leave enough energy for romance," she says. "Couples don't focus on the romance or the relationship. This is your spouse, your partner. This is someone you love."

But it's difficult to rekindle romance when you're in baby zone 'round the clock.

"It started with us. It's going to end with us. We have to keep it going," says Cathy Schaefer, a Concord mother of two. "But I was on bed-rest both times with difficult pregnancies, so just to even go from no intimacy for months, then six weeks postpartum ... I wasn't feeling it. You can lose yourself in caring for an infant."

At first, it was hard not to talk about the kids, but to focus on each other instead, says Schaefer, and going out without the baby was like having a limb missing. But talking helped, and those shared thoughts brought them closer together, she says.

You must make the time

Marriages need nurturing, says Honos-Webb, just as a car needs routine maintenance. And intimacy doesn't come out of nowhere. It doesn't have to be some grand romantic gesture, she says. It can be ice cream, a cup of tea or a beer.

"This is just a stage in your lives, having small kids running around your house," says Cockrell. "They are going to grow up. You're going to have 25 years with your spouse with an empty nest. Suddenly, you look over at the other end of the couch and say, 'Who the heck are you?' The strategy is, think long-term."

And for many parents, that's easier said than done, says optometrist Karen Kopiko-Upshaw.

"All the things you read and you think, 'Oh, I'm going to do that,' says Kopiko-Upshaw, mother of two. "But then you don't have time."

"(Working parents) already have the kids with someone else -- have them with someone else again in the evening is tough," added the Walnut Creek mom.

Finding time for anything is tough, says Castro Valley dad Allen Mueller. Mueller's in-laws baby-sit every week or two, so he and his wife Paig, can go to dinner or a movie.

"It's common sense," says Mueller, who launched an East Bay father-child hiking group last year. "You try to make time for your spouse. You have to give them time to do their own thing. That's what the 'Grateful Dads' hikes are meant to do, give the wives time that they need."

The Busselens take turns sleeping in on weekends -- a necessity with twin 2-year-olds -- and try to find time to reconnect every day.

After their young daughters go to sleep, they light candles, open a bottle of wine -- and hitch up their sweat pants, Kara Busselen adds, laughing -- and have dinner together.

On Friday nights, they find a baby sitter and head out.

"I put a non-spit-up-covered outfit on," the Danville mother says. "It reminds us of the days prior to having the kiddos. It's cool."

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Parenting can leave husbands and wives too tired to connect, and it takes its toll on marriages.