RIDGE ON TO SOMETHING COLOR-CODE SYSTEM WORKS AT HOME.

Byline: Joseph Honig Local View

EVERYtime the government gets into the gimmick business it manages to make Madison Avenue's hokum appear downright smart.

In carefully chosen cardigan sweaters, Jimmy Carter came across as a Southern-fried Mr. Rogers asking everyone to lower their thermostats.

Gerald Ford, sporting WIN buttons - remember ``Whip Inflation Now''? - looked like some confused conventioneer promoting low-cal pizza.

And the Kennedy administration's onerous 50-mile hikes left winded reporters too sore to extol the benefits of physical fitness.

Now comes Tom Ridge, homeland security czar, with Washington's latest geegaw in the war against terrorism: color-coded warnings designed to help citizens and local authorities understand degrees of danger.

In the last six months, the government has issued four terror alerts, placing the population in varying states of panic and watchfulness. We were confused. We were afraid. We were uncertain just how ready and prepared to be - if, in fact, there are preparations the average family can take against al-Qaida.

Ridge believes his new rainbow of warnings - from green (lowest risk) to red (severe risk) - can help us all. I am not so sure.

As a father and wage earner, I am at a loss to tell you how I would vary my routine during, say, a blue period of general risk or a yellow phase (our current predicament) of elevated risk.

Do I eschew air travel, stock up on bottled water or take my child out of her volleyball league? Mr. Ridge didn't tell me.

So I am afraid to say that the Bush administration's well-meaning foray into the gimmick business has left me and a lot of my neighbors cold.

I mentioned all this to my friend Matty - our daughters are classmates - and he suggested I rethink the entire matter.

``You're right,'' Matty advised, ``as an intelligent warning system, this color coding lacks detail.

``But,'' he added, ``as a device to ensure peace in one's living room, it can't be beat.

``Tom Ridge has unintentionally provided fathers with the means to protect themselves from unwanted and untoward intrusions.''

I should say here that under normal circumstances, Matty is not one of your typical lunatics. He runs a business. He is diligent. He is active in his kids' lives and their activities. Accordingly, I was polite but firm when I asked if his judgment was clouded by too much Diet Coke.

``No way,'' my friend said. ``Don't you get it? Let's say you work for Enron or Global Crossing and arrive home after being told your stock options are worth less than a Hershey bar. You want to recover. You want to be left alone.

``So you go to your warning board - I'll put mine right over the mantle - and you take out the red banner: severe risk of negative dad reaction. The family takes heed. They leave you alone because they know what's coming if they don't.

``And then,'' Matty went on, ``there are those days when you are not so much angered as on edge. You know, your cholesterol's up, car needs tires, that type of thing.

``You don't want to isolate yourself, but you need some special handling. Is there a more perfect time to use the yellow warning - approach with caution, elevated risk of father losing control? I don't think so.''

Then Matty continued to tell me how domestic life had measurably improved since he adapted the Ridge system for his homestead.

``No more long conversations,'' he explained. ``Fewer arguments and yelling is down fourfold.

``And when you want affection, you simply go with the green - limited chance of father going ballistic.''

Thus I had to hand it to him. My friend Matty had done something few in the private sector ever attempted, let alone succeeded at. Out of bureaucracy came efficiency.

Wait till he gets his hands on the tax code.