RERUNNING ON EMPTY: TV LOWLIGHTS THAT NEVER, EVER DIE.

Byline: Vance Durgin Orange County Register

The television academy (of arts and questionable sciences) weighed in a few weeks ago with its picks of the finest shows of last season. This annual exercise, a tradition since Harry Truman was in the White House, is seen by many as a way to honor deserving shows. You could look at it that way. Millions do. But it would be wrong.

In fact, the whole Emmy exercise is just a form of massive denial. Sure, they recognize ``Frasier,'' ``NYPD Blue'' and ``The X-Files.'' But who at the academy has ever had so much as a kind word for ``Saved by the Bell,'' ``Manimal'' or ``Joanie Loves Chachi''?

The TV academy just doesn't want to face the fact that most TV shows are, well, bad. Or that some shows go beyond the merely bad and cross over into something Rod Serling might have called another dimension of terrible (``That signpost up ahead - you're watching `Hee-Haw' '').

You know these shows. You've watched them, hummed their theme songs, seen them in reruns. They live on in cableland reruns today. Bad when they were first aired, bad now. So bad they make up a whole genre of Emmy-free programming.

Call it car-crash TV. The effect on viewers is just like that of a bad freeway wreck on motorists. Try as you might, you can't look away from the twisted metal splayed along the interstate. And with these shows, it's tough to stop watching the poorly executed concepts, insipid dialogue and annoying characters.

These shows exert a powerful, compelling force. A force that makes you watch, then wonder: How did something this bad ever get on the air? And how in the name of Warren Littlefield did it get renewed for 18 seasons?

Car-crash shows are bad, but not necessarily unpopular. Often they were the most popular things on the air for years. ``Happy Days,'' for example. It was never good, but Nielsen families loved it. Compellingly awful is what it really was.

And that's the key. Shows that are merely substandard won't keep you watching. Take ``Full House,'' for instance. A kind of TV ``Three Men and Some Little Ladies,'' there's not enough going on for it to make the cut. It's stupid and insipid, but not truly terrible or compelling. The same goes for shows such as ``Growing Pains.'' ``One Day at a Time,'' on the other hand, is really awful, thanks to the presence of Bonnie Franklin, Pat Harrington Jr., Mackenzie Phillips and that annoying theme song.

Car-crash shows don't have to be sitcoms. Sometimes it's better if they aren't. ``Dragnet'' looks so bad today it can actually elicit groans. So can its late-1970s spiritual successor, ``CHiPS,'' though maybe that one should be called motorcycle-crash TV.

And they don't have to be old. One of the truly great contemporary examples of the genre is ``Family Matters.'' The Urkel character is so bizarre he elevates an otherwise-mundane sitcom to car-crash level.

Once you get the hang of it, you should have no trouble naming a networkful of such shows. ``The Love Boat,'' ``Three's Company,'' ``Happy Days,'' ``Phyllis.'' And those are just from the mid- to late '70s. Take the 50-year history of TV, boil it down into categories, put it between soft covers and there are enough shows to fill a book. Or a cable channel. A very bad cable channel.

Like any art form, TV is made up more of time-filling quantity than ``NYPD Blue'' quality. That's a given. What isn't a given is a show like ``The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet'' staying on the air for five generations. By the time ABC gave up on it in 1966, weren't Ricky and David's grandkids regular cast members? Even if they weren't, ``Ozzie and Harriet'' is pioneering car-crash.

Consider that these ``adventures'' - all 435 of them - are pretty lame. In one episode, for instance, the cast goes in search of tutti-frutti ice cream. In another, David retypes the work of a temporary secretary he shouldn't have hired (Joe Flynn, later of ``McHale's Navy,'' is his finicky boss). And of course Ricky sings. And sings some more. Not exactly an Indiana Jones kind of adventure.

There wasn't much in the way of acting, drama or humor on ``Ozzie and Harriet,'' and nothing much ever happened. But it stayed on the air for 14 seasons, proof of its mesmerizing car-crash quality.

In an age that gives us no end of shows starring Tony Danza, it may seem unfair to single out something as innocuous as ``Ozzie and Harriet,'' but for historical purposes it can't be ignored.

You can trace the domestic family sitcom - from ``Father Knows Best'' to ``The Donna Reed Show'' to ``My Three Sons'' right to ``Ozzie and Harriet.'' In fact, long before the Age of Seinfeld, ``Ozzie and Harriet' was the first show about ``nothing.'' Now that should count for something.

Watch enough TV and you'll find there's plenty of car-crash around. The CBS Friday-night lineup borrowed from ABC, ``The Nanny,'' much of what's on UPN and the WB and the last two seasons of ``Seinfeld'' immediately come to mind.

OK, just kidding about ``Seinfeld.'' Jerry and the gang may be cult figures, they may make zillions, they may never grow old or die (they wish). But they'll never be car-crash.

That kind of status must be reserved for shows such as ``Hogan's Heroes.'' More than 30 years past its CBS prime (the Tiffany of networks - what a laugh), it remains a model of awful. Potentially offensive to anyone who fought in a war or fought to stay out of one, ``Hogan's'' is excellent car-crash. Col. Klink's ``Hoe-gun'' catch-phrase and Sgt. Schultz's ``I know NUH-think'' responses can really set your teeth on edge, even today. So can smarmy, grating co-star Richard Dawson (who went on to greater fame as the lecherous host of ``Family Feud'') and smarmy, smug star Bob (``I make my own porno'') Crane.

The episodes always seemed about the same. They can all be summed up as follows: When Col. Hogan (Crane) isn't helping the resistance forces from within the camp, he's sneaking out and high-tailing it to the local beer hall to check out the frauleins. Not a bad survival strategy.

But it's compellingly watchable. Once you get past the unlikely premise - the idea that Nazis were stupid and blundering and that POW camp life was more fun than a Hope and Crosby road picture - you're hooked.

When you think car-crash TV, think 1970s. That was the golden age of bad. Only fitting in an era that gave us disco, leisure suits and the Ford Granada as well as ``Three's Company.''

On the other hand, 1950s and '60s shows are usually more boring than bad. ``Bewitched'' and ``I Dream of Jeannie,'' for instance, aren't really bad, just dull. (Though ``Bewitched'' did leave viewers wondering how a schnook like Darrin - both versions of him - managed to land a wife as terrific as Samantha.)

Want more? But of course. It's like an addiction. Lucky for you, there's plenty of these shows around and plenty in reruns if you need a late-night fix.

Watch them if you dare, but be warned: Once you start, you may need a AAA-approved tow truck to tear yourself away.