REMAKE OF `THE OMEN' IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

Where's Opus Dei when you need them? You'd think that in the 30 years that have passed since the original ``The Omen,'' the Catholic Church would have come up with a better response to the arrival of Evil Incarnate than the nut-job priest we find in the pointless, by-the-numbers remake, which arrives in theaters today.

Put the homicidal albino monk from ``The Da Vinci Code'' on the job, and the world will be safe from the Anti-Christ. At least until 6-6-3006.

You'd also think that, given the cottage industry in biblical apocalyptic literature that we've seen in the last 15 years, a new ``Omen'' might bring something original to the table. But director John Moore has decided to stick to the original screenplay - writer David Seltzer retains sole credit - which means that we get the same snarling rottweilers and dead-eyed Damien that we've seen before, with Liev Schreiber subbing for Gregory Peck.

(Not a good trade, eh?)

All remake and no new ideas make Damien a dull boy. Satan's spawn still has trouble making friends, understandable since bad things seem to happen whenever the little guy is around. At his fifth-birthday party, Damien's nanny throws herself off the roof in his honor, a questionable choice of entertainment even in the absence of a clown or balloon artist. A subsequent trip to the zoo prompts the monkeys to go bonkers. Even Curious George would hate this kid. Play dates are out of the question.

Even Mom (a flatlining Julia Stiles) knows that Damien is ``strange ... different.'' Many kids have an aversion to church, but few attempt to scratch their mother's eyes out at the prospect of a Sunday sermon.

Many children take umbrage at the idea of a ``time out.'' Damien goes homicidal.

Even if you've lived under a rock and never seen the original ``Omen,'' there's not much suspense here as events unfold. What little fun the movie has comes courtesy of Mia Farrow, who has switched sides since ``Rosemary's Baby.'' Farrow's explanation of the presence of a growling rottweiler (not Good Dog Carl) in Damien's room is one of the funniest moments on film this year.

The original, of course, had its fair share of unintentional laughs.

But it had some truly frightening elements, too. All Moore contributes is pounding rain, jarring jump cuts and a brainless co-opting of images from Abu Ghraib and 9/11. The movie stops dead in its tracks during a long, not-so-magical, eschatological tour in the third act with Schreiber apparently under orders to hone his zombie performance in ``The Manchurian Candidate.''

The upside: The original ``Omen'' spawned two sequels. This lifeless remake guarantees we'll be spared the run-up to Armageddon.

Glenn Whipp, [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

THE OMEN - One and one half stars

(R: disturbing violent content, graphic images, language)

Starring: Liev Schreiber, Julia Stiles.

Director: John Moore.

Running time: 1 hr. 45 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: Note-by-note remake of the 1976 horror movie about a dead-eyed little boy who is ostracized because he is the spawn of Satan. You've seen it before. Don't pay to see it again.

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

The nanny, Mrs. Baylock (Mia Farrow), knows and protects the dark secret of her frightening young charge, Damien (Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick), in ``The Omen.''