RELATIONSHIPS: Dream lovers; If you believe the recent surveys, half of us pretend we're with someone else when making love with our partner. But that's no bad thing. Sexpert TRACEY COX reckons that fantasies can strengthen relationships and lead to a better love life.Byline: TRACEY COX
I HAD my first sexual fantasy sexual fantasy Psychology Private mental imagery associated with explicitly erotic feelings, accompanied by physiologic response to sexual arousal. See Sexual desire. when I was seven. And I'm ashamed to say it was about Engelbert Humperdinck.
All Brylcreemed hair, shiny suit and eyebrows a girl could tangle her fingers in, he was sex on legs.
I didn't even know what sex was, but my subsequent fantasies haven't come close to matching the oddness of that little gem.
Like millions of others, I still let my imagination run riot. In fantasy land, no one can accuse us of being right or wrong, nice or nasty. So we're free to invent.
Our dream lovers know how to make us giddy with desire because we're directing the show.
Fantasies are all about wanting to escape. Certainly, daydreaming about some hunk delivering more than a cocktail on a sun-drenched beach is far more appealing than worrying about next week's rent.
And whatever your brain conjures up, you'd be hard pressed to find a sex therapist who didn't include fantasy in a recipe for hot sex.
So here's everything you need to know sexual fantasies but were too afraid to ask...
Do men and women fantasise about the same things?
Yes, but there are differences. His are more explicit and centre on things he's done rather than
what he'd like to try. Women do the opposite.
Men are more active in their fantasies, focusing on the effect they're having on their imaginary partner. Women focus more on feelings and responses.
He often fantasises when his sex life isn't great, while women fantasise more when it is great. So while we can put some of our daydreaming into practice, he's not quite so lucky.
No two people's fantasies are identical, but a quick
scan of the top 10 female favourites shown in the panel below reveals that there are common themes.
When I have sex with my boyfriend I often fantasise about someone else, and I feel guilty...
Fantasising isn't just healthy for relationships, it can save them - so indulge your desires, guilt-free. Imagining isn't being unfaithful, but living it out is. The only time you need to worry is if you have to fantasise every single time and are never turned on just by him.
My fantasies are weird or totally out of character - am I a closet nutter?
Most therapists say there is no such thing as an abnormal fantasy, as long as you can distinguish between fantasy and reality.
Deviant fantasies can indicate true sexual deviancy sexual deviancy Paraphilia Psychiatry Sexual excitement to the point of erection and/or orgasm, when the object of that excitement is considered abnormal in the context of the practitioner's learned societal norms Types Exhibitionism, fetishism, frotteurism, , but not for the vast majority of people.
If a seemingly weird fantasy Weird Fantasy was part of the EC Comics line in the early 1950s. The bi-monthly science-fiction comic, published by Bill Gaines and edited by Al Feldstein, replaced romance comic A Moon, A Girl... Romance with the May/June 1950 issue. is arousing you, but you've no inclination to do it in real life and it's not a fixation, where's the harm?
Am I gay if I have same-sex fantasies?
In a word, no. This fantasy is always up there in the top 10. But fantasy alone isn't usually an indicator that you really are gay.
Have you ever met anyone of the
same sex who you've longed to go to bed with? Do you feel you're trapped in the wrong body trapped in the wrong body See Transsexual. ? Do you enjoy sex with the opposite sex? These are more pertinent questions.
Teenagers often experiment with members of the same sex. Even adults may have one or two gay encounters for the "experience". But it's far more to do with curiosity than a desire to switch camps.
Should I tell my partner about my fantasies?
A tricky one. Airing fantasies can zap A command that typically deletes the data within a file but leaves the file structure intact so that new data can be entered. See wipe.
1. (language) ZAP - A language for expressing program transformations.
["A System for Assisting Program Transformation", M.S. your sex life through the roof, but it can also destroy it.
What you think of as normal, he might consider "perverted per·vert·ed
1. Deviating from what is considered normal or correct.
2. Of, relating to, or practicing sexual perversion. ". Don't assume that because something turns you on, your partner will feel the same. And I wouldn't recommend sharing any fantasies you might have about people you know.
Men often have trouble accepting a partner's fantasies because they take it as a criticism - that you're not happy with "just them".
Take his confessions with a pinch of salt. He doesn't really want you to wear red leather with butt-revealing cut-outs next time you visit his folks. It's just a fantasy.
What if I don't fantasise?
You're not alone. Maybe you've had a strict upbringing and think they're morally unacceptable. Maybe you aren't very creative. Or
you think making up stories is something only children and weirdos do.
So loosen up. Start by reading other people's fantasies. They're bound to get the, er, creative juices flowing.
Adapted by ANDREA HENRY
Hot Sex: How To Do It by Tracey Cox (Corgi corgi: see Cardigan Welsh corgi; Pembroke Welsh corgi. , pounds 7.99). To buy a copy, call Mirror Direct on 0870 0703 200 or send a cheque/postal order to Mirror Direct, FREEPOST, PO Box 60, Helston, Cornwall TR13 0TP
TOP 10 FEMALE FANTASIES
1 Making love with someone new
2Making love with a forbidden partner
3Making love with two or more people
4Making love in an
5Making love with a stranger, on the spur of the moment Adv. 1. on the spur of the moment - on impulse; without premeditation; "he decided to go to Chicago on the spur of the moment"; "he made up his mind suddenly"
6Making love under force
7Making love in a forbidden spot
where you could be discovered
8Making love with someone of the same sex
9Watching your partner make love to someone else
...with a celeb ce·leb