REGIFTING NOT AN OPTION.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Some gifts keep on giving. Others should be given right back.

This holiday season, we choose to explore the bizarreness of the later. We realize that could also plant the wrong ideas into the heads of those who panic for last-minute sports-related presents during the ever-stressful season, but you all must be warned:

Say cheese: The Green Bay Packers season may be in the toilet, and you can help flush it away with a toilet seat cover that reads ``Extreme Cheesehead'' (Item PTHS174). It says it's the standard 16.5 inch lid that bolts to the front of the rim and ``would work real well in travel trailer bathroom for Lambeau roadtrips.'' Why do people that eat so much cheese even need to ... never mind. This, from a site that also offers a $34.95 cheese bra and an $11.95 cheese baby hat. $27.95, www.packertime.com.

Sleep aids: As if golf isn't mind-numbing enough, there's someone who thinks that helping you get a little shuteye will decrease you chance of a stroke and cut down on your strokes.

A company called Speed Sleep has a device advertised in Golf Magazine: It's a CD that, when listened to over and over again, will help one go into a deep sleep quickly, and wake up refreshed and ready to lose a dozen Titleists without thinking it's a bad dream. ``It's like a nap on steroids,'' says the ad. Barry Bonds does not endorse this. $19.95, www.speedsleep.com.

Protect the family jewels: Calling itself ``innovative and revolutionary,'' as well as curiously ``award winning,'' the NuttyBuddy is for the big athletic supporter in the family. Literally. It claims to be able to withstand ``the impact of traveling objects at blistering speeds,'' and Mark Littell, the former big-league pitcher, has a video on the Web site to prove it. Or, turn it over for a fancy appetizer bowl of Chex Mix when the relatives come over. $19.95, www.thenuttybuddy.com.

Hand-held scorekeepers: Parents who get stuck watching their kids play youth sports are always hit up with the question, ``So, what's the score?'' That said, is there really a need for a soccer game scorekeeper?

The Score One soccer counter that we found at Score It Sports is obviously pretty basic. There's a place to record goals for the home and visitor teams (even with double digits). But then, what else is needed? They've added a place to keep track of periods. And shots. And fouls. You don't need a manual calculator to figure out how the price of it breaks down per goals scored. $20, or $25 with a clip, at www.scoreitsports.com/soccer.asp.

Dodger dirt: The MLB.com store offers a Highland Mint Dodger Stadium Dirt Coin. It's an 1 1/2 inch commemorative coin with an image of Dodger Stadium on one side and ``Authentic Stadium Dirt carefully laid into the coin on the other side.'' It's a limited edition, only 10,000 available. And dirt cheap. $19.99, mlb.com.

Fight DVDs: There are enough NHL bootleg brawls out there to satisfy every Wild fan this side of Minnesota. But what about the genre of midgets and women?

An organization called Half Pint Brawlers featuring Puppet the Psycho Dwarf does nothing to alieviate our long-time phobia of the height-impared section of our population. The hour-long DVD (Special Director's Cut), featuring wrestlers such as Little Justice, The Midget Prosecutor, Madd Mexx The Immigration Sensation and Little Kato, involves using things like thumbtacks, broken bottles and staple guns in their hand-to-hand combat. It comes with a warning: Violence, language, nudity, and a very little left to the imagination. Perfect for short attention spans. $14.95, www.halfpintbrawlers.com.

As for the gals who enjoy doing more than just pull hair, the new two-volume ``Extreme Chickfights'' DVD says on the box: ``Tomorrow's `It Girls' are sporting fat lips and broken noses after beating each other's behinds.'' That's an endorsement from a review in ESPN The Magazine, the new arbitor of good taste. $39.95, www.extremechickfights.com.

Ebay stuff: Bidding for any of these end today:

Item No. 170058117566: A Tommy Kotosopoulous game-worn 2004-05 jersey from the Odessa Jackalopes. Starting bid: $325.

Item No. 20054189104: A game-used Wichita Wranglers minor league baseball jersey once worn by Wes Obermueller. Starting bid: $59.

Item No. 320057615004: A chunk of the synthetic track that Michael Johnson ran on to break the Olympic 200-meter record in Atlanta. It looks like a used piece of Tootsie Roll. Opening bid: 99 cents.

CAPTION(S):

7 photos, 4 boxes

Photo:

(1) no caption (NuttyBuddy)

(2) no caption (Score One)

(3) no caption ("Psycho Midget Wrestling")

(4) LISA LESLIE

(5) JASON SCHMIDT

(6) JIM TRESSEL

(7) Lee Evans

Box:

(1) sunday punch

(2) HOT ... LUKEWARM ... COLDFISH

(3) FANTASY FOOTBALL

- Matthew Kredell

(4) The Pop Quiz