REAGAN'S STORY COMES FULL CIRCLE; PATTI DAVIS SHARES FATHER'S GIFT, GRIEF AT FORUM.

Byline: Yvette Cabrera Daily News Staff Writer

When Patti Davis was a child, her father, Ronald Reagan, once took her on a walk at their Agoura ranch after a brush fire. He kneeled down to show her a green shoot that had burst through the charred undergrowth.

It was his way of showing her how the cycle of life and death came full circle - that even from the blackened ashes there was new life coming, she said. It was this image of her father as a ``magical storyteller'' that came to Davis' mind when she learned Reagan, the former president, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

``He painted beautiful pictures for me,'' Davis said. ``I didn't always appreciate the things that he taught me, but I appreciate them so much now.

``And I see how it has come full circle because now I have an opportunity to bring him the same level of comfort that those stories brought to me.''

Davis spoke to an audience of about 100 local residents and caregivers who attended a women's health forum on the effects of Alzheimer's disease, held Saturday at the Verdugo Hills Hospital.

``How unfair would it be for me to not utilize the things that he has taught me at a time in his life when so much has fallen away,'' said Davis, who has written about her experience with her father's disease in national publications, including the most recent issue of Ladies' Home Journal.

Titled ``Public Lives, Private Healing: One Family's Journey,'' Davis' presentation touched on issues such as healing and reconciliation. Her talk was part of an educational series for women started by the hospital last February.

When her father's diagnosis was made, Davis said the issues she faced were more than just physical death.

``I thought of other kinds of death - the death of communication, the death of possibility, things that I had wanted to share with my father to experience with him that I hadn't been able to,'' Davis said.

It was then that Davis said she decided to confront and discard any resentment that she had felt toward her father for not being emotionally available to her throughout her childhood, teen years and adulthood.

``For me to carry around the things that I hadn't gotten from him would definitely impact this last stage of his life that we would share together,'' Davis said. ``I thought the best thing that I could do would be to clean up my own act, in terms of whatever was left, whatever childhood wounds were left.''

Alzheimer's is a progressively degenerative disease that destroys the brain cells and causes memory loss, impaired judgment and the loss of language abilities. It eventually results in the complete loss of a person's ability to care for themselves.

Though her father is not able to communicate the way he once did, Davis said they have found a level of communication that goes beyond words.

``I found that if I accept that this is the reality that has happened to us - this is my father's exit from this world - that I'm just content to be with him and sometimes in total silence looking at a picture book or a book of photographs,'' said Davis, noting that her father has a fondness for nature books.

The temptation with Alzheimer's disease is to think that your loved one can't communicate, doesn't have the cognitive skills and therefore it doesn't matter what you bring into that room, Davis said.

``But it matters more because what is still there is the emotional reality, and that's even more raw because it doesn't have that buffer of analytical thought,'' Davis said.

In dealing with her father's condition, Davis said she has learned what the essence of caregiving is about.

``It's not so much about doing; it's about letting go of the things that got in the way of you being fully present for that person, fully present for that situation,'' said Davis, the author of two national bestsellers in addition to her latest book, ``Angels Don't Die: My Father's Gift of Faith.''

Reagan was in his 80s when he disclosed to the nation in 1994 that he had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Davis said she went through a grieving process over the period of a year and learned not to fight it but instead grow from it.

``I've had an opportunity because of this disease . . . because of the length of this illness, to have time with my father that took us to another level that I wouldn't have gotten to if he, for example, had been killed in 1981 when he was shot,'' said Davis, referring to the assassination attempt against Reagan.

When asked by an audience member if her father recognizes her, Davis responded that her father is such a sweet man that she believes that he acts like he recognizes people even when he doesn't.

``I don't know, but I think underneath as long as my presence there is a comforting one and not an intrusive one, that's OK,'' Davis said.

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2 Photos

PHOTO (1) Patti Davis, daughter of former President Ronald Reagan, speaks about Alzheimer's disease at a forum Saturday.

Gus Ruelas/Daily News

(2) Patti Davis celebrates Christmas '81 at the White House with her parents.

Daily News file photo