Punishment won't make your kids good.

Punishment is a common, almost universal way for parents to control behavior. Punishment, however, is not discipline. Discipline is the total character molding of the child through example, love, structure, praise, and attention for good behavior. We base our convictions on research in the field and on our own parenting experience. We have raised 12 children of our own and had many teenage foster children. As parents, we must have compliance. We have learned that there are more effective ways than punishment to get results.

Punishment is bad for the simplest of reasons: it does not work as well as other forms of discipline. As a primary means of behavior control, punishment can be indicted on many counts.

* Punishment is a poor motivator. If punishment worked to control behavior, advertisers would use it. Have you ever heard a threatening or punitive ad?

Imagine receiving the following message from McDonald's: "We checked license plates and found your car parked at a Wendy's last week. You are required to turn in all your free fries coupons, and you are grounded from our restaurant for two weeks. If you are caught at any other fast-food restaurant during that time, you will be grounded from McDonald's for six months."

* Punishment negates the person.-saint Paul reminded parents, "Do not nag your children lest they lose heart" (Col. 3:21). Too often children are subjected to a barrage of criticism: "You always leave the front door open!" "Is Charlie late again?" "What's the matter with that girl?" Statements like these give the child a low self-image. The child confronted with parents who are constantly scolding, yelling, moralizing, and spanking her will learn either that she is a bad person or that parents are to be avoided.

* Punishment may interfere with the parent-child bond. Scolding, put-downs, and threats may induce conformity out of fear, but fear may interfere with trust and affection. Withdrawal of love can be extremely effective, but it hurts at the core of the child's being.

* Punishment may encourage the very behavior parents are trying to eliminate. Parents focus on the undesirable behavior, thinking they are dealing with the problem. The child receives much desired attention even though the attention is for negative behavior. What parent has not exclaimed: "I can't understand that child. The more I get after her, the worse she gets" or "He's just doing that to get attention"

* Punishment often deprives the child of some activity that is important to growing up. Denial of food can be effective, but food is important in itself, and food means love to most children. Grounding, which is particularly common for teenagers, deprives a teen of social contact, which is an important factor in teen development. Taking a child out of athletics or music because of poor grades not only deprives a child of the chance to succeed in another area and feel good about himself, but also takes away an opportunity to learn competition and teamwork.

* Punishment becomes less effective as children grow older because parents control less of their child's significant environment. A parent's harsh words are no longer so devastating since teens can muster support from their friends. Sending teen's to their rooms can be just what they want, an occasion to get away from the family. If a punishment is seen as too severe, a teen may even gather the courage to run away.

* Punishment, with its focus on misbehavior, fails to tell a child what he should be doing instead. Somewhere in their disciplinary efforts, parents must indicate--not through a sermon, but through example, time, and attention--what they would like their child to do and be.

PARENTS FREQUENTLY ADOPT THE L-Y-P method of discipline: lecture, yell, punish. When making a request or attempting to stop misbehavior, parents begin by explaining. When the child does not jump to obey, the parents add more reasons. Parents tend to lecture because it sounds correct--the right demands for the right reasons. When parents run out of reasons, they raise their voices louder and louder, but the child is not listening. Finally when yelling fails, the parents resort to punishment. The L-Y-P method, though much used, does not work well. Moreover, this method heightens anger in the parent who then takes it out on the child, all under the guise of righteousness.

Often so-called Christian experts on family life advocate a barrage of negative consequences for the offender that are far out of proportion to the offense. Others advocate cruel punishments under the guise of toughness. Their emphasis on sin and guilt can destroy a soul in formation by negating the person.

Parents, like everyone else, are subject to stress, fatigue, and emotion. Parents need to be sensitive to their own feelings and not let their anger masquerade as effective child discipline.

Some parents punish because they think punishment is the only alternative to permissiveness. They don't want their child to get away with misbehavior, they want their child to do right, and they don't know how else to parent. For some, to be labeled permissive is even worse than being called punitive. But just because you don't punish does not mean that you are wimpy. Permissiveness is weak parenting.

The major critique of both punitive and permissive parenting is the same. Both are relatively ineffective. The real challenge to parents is to discipline in such a way that a child's undesirable behavior is replaced by desirable behavior. There are many paths to that goal.

IGNORING IS ONE TYPE OF DISCIPLINE. OFTEN parents mistakenly think that ignoring behavior means that a parent stands by doing nothing while unacceptable behavior occurs. Not so. Planned ignoring requires that parents carefully target the behavior they wish to eliminate, and it must be behavior that does not have to be stopped immediately. The purpose is to subtract all attention and then trust that the misbehavior cannot continue in a vacuum.

Hair styles are an obvious target for planned ignoring. Imagine that your daughter has come home with an outrageous hair style. How do you respond?

You might marvel, "Wow, I wish I had the guts to do something like that." You might lecture, "Your hair looks awful. It's a disgrace." You might entirely ignore the hairdo and never say a word.

Clearly ignoring would be the most discouraging. Why go to all that trouble when no one notices?

Rewarding good behavior rather than punishing bad is another good alternative. The business world is full of rewards for certain behaviors: premiums, games, rebates, discounts.

To work best, rewards need to be immediate, but they don't need to be substantial. Behavior of any kind will continue if there is a payoff. Why give a payoff to bad behavior in the form of the attention that accompanies punishment? Instead, why not pay attention to good behavior?

Attention is only one reward. Others include touch, praise, food treats, small toys, playtime with parents, the chance to work and learn with dad or mom, outings, and more. Rewards are like gold stars to let our children know we value what they are doing. The ideal way to reward is to target a behavior that occurs in place of the bad behavior.

For example, a 4-year-old is eating out with her parents at a restaurant not particularly geared to children. Her parents have taken several steps to provide a pleasing environment for her. They bring along drawing paper, colored pencils, and a few small storybooks. They express their own happiness at going out as a family. This is a special treat, she learns. When she looks at her book or colors pictures, they notice and comment, "You are certainly being a nice girl. We like to go out to a restaurant with you." Most children may still get bored, restless, and irritable before the meal is over. Parents cannot reasonably expect behavior beyond a normal 4-year-old's capacity. However, behaving nicely in the restaurant is incompatible with behaving badly in the restaurant. By noticing when the former occurs, parents get more of the former and less of the latter.

Many parents tell us they refuse to bribe their child to be good. We ask them why then they bribe their child to be bad--with attention.

Allowing consequences is another effective discipline. Life itself is a hard school, often unforgiving. Parents need to know when to protect a child from consequences that are too harsh and when to let the natural consequences take effect while offering emotional support. Letting an 8-year-old child sit out an entire summer of baseball because the child forgot to turn in her Little League application is too harsh.

The overprotective parent pays the child's debts and traffic tickets and gives him a long stern lecture. The wise parent requires the child to pay the debt or fine but is there with him in court or at the credit agency, offering understanding.

There are many ways to shape a child and mold good behavior. Setting a good example may be the most important of all. Loving unconditionally and planning ahead are good ways to prevent misbehavior by anticipation. Separating combatants, going and getting a late child, and distracting are ways to eliminate undesirable behaviors. Picking up a room can become a game of beat the clock or a learning experience by working along with the parent. Charting good behavior is an effective way to pay attention to success.

Firm love is neither punitive nor wimpy. Firm love does not mean that you deliberately arrange or impose pain to achieve compliance. Too often the authoritarian, punitive parent sounds tough but loses his or her temper, gives up, blames the child, and fails to accomplish the desired result.

The firm, loving parent rarely lectures or yells. The firm, loving parent is not permissive but is always there. The firm, loving parent is flexible and, knowing many alternatives, perseveres to the goal.