Private Lives of Public Leaders: A Spousal Perspective.

A recent study uncovers deep concerns over the impact of administrators' responsibilities on personal relationships

Superintendents and other school administrators deal with constant pressures from multiple directions: school boards, community groups, teachers, parents and students.

The heavy demands on time, the conflicting nature of responsibilities and the high visibility of the job take a heavy toll on the personal lives of superintendents and their relationships with spouses and family members.

When the Nebraska Council for School Administrators conducted a recent survey of spouses of school administrators statewide, the spouses' comments were emotional and troubling. While the women and men who responded were generally supportive of their spouses in school administration, they also expressed concerns and criticisms about the increasing difficulties of the job and the unrealistic expectations faced by their loved ones.

These factors, they said, were affecting the entire family in marked ways.

After-Hours Demands

The study generated significant interest. A total of 575 spouses of administrators at the school and district levels completed the surveys. One high school principal told of his wife staying up late one night, diligently writing notes all over the questionnaire. When he commented that she need not write a book on the subject, she answered that no one had ever asked her these questions before and she had been waiting for an opportunity to bare her feelings.

Not surprisingly, 82 percent of the respondents to the survey were female. Almost half had been married for more than 25 years. Thirty-five percent of the spouses indicated they had at least one child under 18 living at home. The highest percentage of respondents were married to superintendents (27 percent), but a significant number were married to elementary school principals (21 percent) and high school principals (17 percent).

The study's findings painted a picture of mounting pressure from increasing demands on school leaders. Ninety percent indicated that night activities associated with administrative jobs contribute to the stress of the position. Many indicated that their spouse left early in the morning and often didn't return until late into the evening. One spouse put it simply: "There is not much time left for us." The husband of an assistant superintendent wrote: "I am a single parent with little time to be a husband."

The problem involves more than the nightly commitments, though. Many respondents pointed out that their spouses were so tired from their jobs that they didn't want to do anything on the few evenings when they were free. Several said they realized their spouse just wanted to be left alone if he or she didn't have a school activity to attend.

One wife, in apparent frustration, wrote: "He is worn out and wants to sit when he is home. He falls asleep when watching television or reading. I often feel I get neglected because of his time commitment to his job." Another woman commented: "He is so drained from his job, he has nothing to give when he's home."

Dual Personalities

The spouses also indicated that they and their families sometimes saw a less pleasant personality than the school administrators' colleagues and the public saw at the office. Since superintendents and principals need to be on their best behavior on the job, they may let their frustrations out more often with family members.

One woman wrote: "It has been a real strain on our marriage. He has a tendency to take out his frustrations at home, not in an aggressive manner, (but he's) short with us. His mind is occupied with other things. The public gets his best side."

The mother of two young children wrote: "Because the children go to bed early in the evening, he goes for several days in a row without talking to them except to say, 'Get dressed quickly, I'm late for work."'

This mother recognized the irony that her husband's job involves working with students, yet he appeared to be out of touch with the development and accomplishments of his own children and failed to find the time to listen to their stories or accomplishments. She mentioned that her husband always was willing to share information about National Merit Scholars from his school, but didn't know of the preschool development of his own daughter.

Several wives indicated that their husbands spent so much time talking to others that they were "talked out" by the time he arrived home, Some wives yearned for more personal conversations with their spouse.

Even when school administrators have a free night, another ever-present factor interferes with family life: phone calls.

Several spouses mentioned their frustration that the few evenings at home were interrupted by calls from parents, teachers and school board members. The husband of an assistant superintendent wrote, "On the nights my wife is home, she's on the telephone with work issues most evenings." Another spouse, taking a realistic stance, said: "Whether he's at home or at school working alone, they find him. He has to leave town to get away!"

Stress on the Job

Spouses were concerned about more than the time burden, though. Many described what they viewed as the mounting stress of school administration jobs, and many spouses indicated they were worried about the effects of stress on their mates. They expressed deep concerns about growing job demands, controversial school board decisions, increasingly serious behavioral problems with students and the expectations that public school leaders should volunteer their time in multiple community projects and organizations.

Wives were worried that their husbands couldn't sleep at night, that they kept thinking about meetings when they came home and that the mental strain would lead to physical strain. One husband of a superintendent wrote: "She has little or no time to herself for relaxation." Participants seemed genuinely concerned for the well-being of their school administrator spouses.

One woman described her family's stress this way: "I don't like being married to a school administrator, not because he is gone a lot, but because of the high degree of stress the job causes. Being an administrator in a small town is extremely stressful. There is no job security; some towns do not accept outsiders. We have moved a lot and it's practically impossible to have much effect on a school system. ... The nights away are the least of our problems!"

Child-Rearing Duties

Raising children is difficult even if both parents are actively involved, so many respondents referred to the difficulty of raising children without active support from a busy spouse. Wives were especially resentful of all the time that their spouse was away from home, which often left the burden of raising small children on the shoulders of the non-administrative spouse.

Numerous women referred to the fact that they were left with the children all day and all evening--and often with no regular show of support from an absent husband. Wives who worked outside the home and raised children in partnership with a working school administrator mentioned a feeling of unfairness that their professional lives seemed to suffer more than their husbands' careers.

One mother who works as a nurse told of several episodes in which she had to bundle her children up late in the evening to take them to the hospital's child care center since their father hadn't arrived home from school meetings when she needed to leave for work. Other spouses, all women, responded that their own careers had been limited or stalled by the need to fill in at home for their often-absent husband.

Pangs of Loneliness

An emotion mentioned repeatedly was that of loneliness, sometimes accompanied by sadness and sometimes by anger. Numerous participants mentioned that they often had the feeling the job was more important than they were and that their own needs and concerns were unimportant to their spouse and his or her school district.

These spouses reported that birthdays and anniversaries always take second place to school activities because superintendents cannot change board meetings that occur on inconvenient evenings. The fact that the time conflicts are so regular leads some spouses to feel unimportant in their loved one's eyes.

One angry spouse responded: "Our marriage survived but it was no thanks to him. It seemed like his job had priority over everything that I might want to do or wanted him to do." Another spouse wrote with apparent frustration: "Working 11 to 12 hours during the day and then having to make two to three meetings at night or spend parts of the evening on the phone to teachers or parents doesn't leave a lot of time for personal relationships. It does strain a relationship!"

Changes Over Time

As the study's demographics suggested, the largest percentage of survey participants had been married for more than 25 years. As such, some spouses mentioned that their perceptions had changed over time. Many referred to how they had resented their spouses' frequent absences earlier in their relationships but said those feelings had softened. Said one: My age definitely has an effect. During the years when children were home I wasn't this positive."

With time, understanding between the administrator and the spouse seems to grow. Or, perhaps, spouses realize that the stress and frequent absence will continue no matter what they hope. One woman wrote with obvious honesty but sincere understanding: "In 30 years of being married to a school administrator, I have adjusted to being a single parent. He is very good at his job; it's a priority. I have learned to lower expectations for his attention."

Another wife, commenting on this point, said: "I remember that when he first started in administration the nightly activities really bothered our relationship, but it has gradually evolved to an acceptance of this lifestyle."

On another side of the same issue, though, one respondent described the fact she was suffering from depression since her children had grown and left home, yet her husband was still busy with so many school requirements. Her life had seemed happier when her children were there to help fill her lonely hours.

Effects on Children

Several spouses discussed the effects of a school administration position on the children of administrators. In a similar survey completed by such children in the previous year, superintendents' and principals' children had shared their perspective.

Although the children's responses showed they were sometimes resentful of their parent's time away from the family, a majority of the children enjoyed the notoriety. When answering, "How do (did) you like being the child of a school administrator?" 29 percent of the respondents liked it a lot; 52 percent of respondents liked it somewhat, while 14 percent respondents didn't like it much. Only 3 percent said they hated it.

Some of the administrators' children indicated they had been teased, avoided, blamed or made to work harder than others. One child wrote: "I felt many of my personal accomplishments were blemished because many people felt I was 'the kid of the superintendent' and that's why I was successful, not because I earned it." Another mentioned, "Some people automatically think that I am going to tell my father everything that goes on in the school." A young respondent wrote, "It's a fine job, but (my father) has to be gone a lot and is usually too tired or busy to play when he comes home."

On the brighter side, many other such children suggested they were treated no differently by teachers and students than were their friends. Several younger respondents indicated that they enjoyed special privileges such as being able to use gyms or computer rooms on the weekend, getting into school late at night or knowing about school closings earlier than any of their friends. The picture wasn't always bleak. In fact, more than 40 percent of the children indicated they spent more time with administrator parents than did their friends, whose parents worked away from the school or district.

Bright Linings

While the spouses who responded to this survey had serious concerns about their spouse's administrative position and the resulting strain on their families, 84 percent indicated that they liked being married to a school administrator. Several participants pointed out that the fact their spouse was a school administrator wasn't the most important consideration to their relationship. They had married a certain individual, and his or her profession was secondary.

One superintendent's husband wrote: "She's great. Being a school administrator doesn't detract from her as a person. It just takes a little too much of her time at night!"

Some participants celebrated the possibilities of school leadership, mentioning the ability to have family outings at school activities, to retain contacts with young people and to make a difference for children and the community. Others offered advice to help keep relationships strong in difficult times, mentioning the need to schedule private times with their spouses to keep their relationship healthy. Some referred to "making dates" or traveling out of town together when the administrator had business.

Many spouses expressed understanding, admiration and love for the school administrator in their lives. They said they could understand the difficulty of being an educational leader while meeting the needs of a family. As one spouse wrote, it can be hard to "keep the whole world happy." Sometimes that's how it seems.

Martha Bruckner is an assistant professor and chair of the department of educational administration and supervision at University of Nebraska at Omaha, 60th and Dodge streets, Omaha, Neb. 68182-0162. E-mail: [e-mail]