Pray for Rush.

The admission by rightwing radio ranter Rush Limbaugh that he's a drug addict was a little less expected than the Catholic Church leaking evidence that Mother Teresa ruled with an iron fist as capo di capo of an international prostitution ring. And his is no minor problem with the tokey-smokey. It's a major big-time addiction to the synthetic opiate OxyContin.

Some of you smug critics may consider this fall from grace a failure of the man or the spirit, or even an ironic moment worthy of Jim Fixx dying while jogging or Mark Fuhrman speaking at a Martin Luther King testimonial dinner. But the fault for this descent into the depths of despair cannot be laid at Rush's feet.

The real reason the man "with talent on loan from God" has fallen into junkie hell is as plain as the walls in the Honeymooners' kitchen. Responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the person at the center of all the evils currently existing in the world: Bill Clinton, and the bride he enthusiastically shares with Satan, Hillary Rodham Clinton. Their commie pinko yellow rat bastard policies drove our hero of the heartland into this depraved state. Who knows what demonic rituals must have been performed by Hillary and her coven of feminist witches naked under a full moon to effect this abomination? Surely a few muttered black spells were not sufficient to cause Rush to take the fateful stumble that injured his back. In order to bend the will of so strong a life force, it must have taken a whole succession of sacrifices, and I ain't talking no chickens or sheep here. Human sacrifices.

So, stay ever vigilant, you Rush supporters. Don't let your guard down. This battle has been ratcheted up to a fight between darkness and light. Between good and evil itself. Between us and them. Pray for Saint Rush.

Good day, everyone. I'm here against my better instincts, primarily to address this minor misunderstanding that apparently has you all a-twitter. Now I know you people make your living by twisting facts and complicating everything, but the deal is, it's very simple really. Any fourth grader could understand. Let me explain it again. Please try and listen closely this time.

When we said, "Mission Accomplished," we didn't actually mean "mission accomplished," if, in "mission," you assume we meant the act of subduing Iraq, and "accomplished" would refer to the event being over. If that's what you thought and that's what you wrote, then you were mistaken.

Misled. Not by us. We would never do that. By the Navy perhaps. Or your expectations.

Jumped the gun is what you did. All we did was imply a mission was over.

This unnamed mission may have had a definite laying off of activity, or it may not have. Some things just aren't knowable. And who of us needs to know every little thing? You? Don't make me laugh. Certainly not us. The business we are in does not allow room for us to declare someone else's mission either accomplished or unaccomplished. You certainly wouldn't want that kind of presumption thrust on your mission, were it yours. And be honest, do you really want us to take on that kind of added responsibility right now? Haven't we enough on our plate? And besides, what is "accomplished," anyhow? Who of you is qualified to determine at what level an event can be stamped concluded, done, complete?

Surely you see what I'm getting at.

"Accomplished" is such a messy word, seeming to indicate a predetermined result, and we have repeatedly warned you people, you musn't anticipate an outcome. Just a lengthy ongoing. Folks, either you're helping or you're hindering here, and what I'm sensing is a whole lot of the latter.

And no, I don't think I will take any follow-up questions, thank you very much. We're busy people here, folks, we got an election to win here, I mean a war to win, that is, a peace to enforce. I said good day.

Will Durst is definitely on the side of good, whatever that is.