Positive discipline.

Encouragement, optimism, and positive strokes are to kids what fertilizer is to plants. It's the stuff that really makes them flourish. If you're too negative with children, they can be easily discouraged. My suggestion is that you apply what I call the 10-to-1 rule: 10 positives to every negative.

Marcia had always admired positive people. When she was in college, she had the opportunity to spend a summer with a family that had two young children. For three months she never heard either parent raise their voices to the children. She determined that someday she wanted to be that kind of parent.

But nine years later, with 4-year-old twin boys racing around the house, her dream of being a positive parent was pretty much shattered. She really hadn't realized just how negative she had become, however, until she decided to record an hour of her interactions with the children. Her purpose was to play the recording back for the children to listen to and discuss their behavior, but when she began to listen to the recording, the finger of guilt began to point in her direction.

This is hwat she heard herself saying: "Stop that..." "Can't you see I'm busy?" "Bryan, if you do that again, you're going to get it..."

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was this really her? What had happened to her dream of being a positive parent?

She knew that children thrive on encouragement, words of appreciation, and positive strokes. Yet during the hour that she had recorded, she found herself dealing out 10 negatives to every positive. She determined right then to turn herself around. Her goal was to give 10 positives for every negative, and to see the difference it made in her children's behavior.

It wasn't an easy assignment. The first thing Marcia began to work on was making requests in a positive way rather than a negative way.

Instead of "Don't stand on the table," she said "Jump to the floor." Instead of "Don't touch the stereo," she said "I was listening to the music on that station. Please try to find it again for me."

To her surprise, her boys became more compliant. She began to realize that the "don'ts" she had been giving her children never told them what to do. By making the request positive, it gave the children guidelines--a direction in which to move.

Next she began to change her responses to her children's requests. Previously, no matter what they seemed to ask, she, without thinking, would say no. Now she began a more positive approach. When they asked for a cookie between meals, instead of saying no, she would say "Cookies are for dessert. I have saved this special one for you."

If they wanted to watch TV and nothing appropriate was on, she would say "Let's get the TV schedule and figure out a time when a program is on that you would like to watch." Then in the meantime she would put forth extra effort to get the boys involved with another activity that would take their minds off the TV.

Of course, Marcia found it impossible to be positive all the time. There were still times when a firm no was needed. Inappropriate behavior still needed to be corrected. And occasionally, when she was tired and frustrated, she found herself handing out negative strokes in the form of criticism and threats. But when this happened, she determined to use the 10-to-1 rule: 10 positive strokes for every negative one.

Applying the 10-to-1 rule meant that every time Marcia handed out a negative stroke, she had to really look for the positives. She began to notice the little things the boys did that she approved of, and she let them know in the form of a compliment, a hug, or a wink.

It didn't take long for this positive treatment to have an effect on the family. The boys seemed happier. Instead of seeming bent on persecuting her, they were eager to please.

Kay Kuzma, Ed.D. is president of Family Matters, a radio, TV, and seminar ministry in Cleveland, Tennessee.