Polyphony.

Note: Recently I came across a book tided Dealing with Difficult Parents (And with Parents in Difficult Situations) by Todd Whitaker and Douglas J. Fiore (Larchmont, NY: Eye on Education, 2001, ISBN 1-930556-09-8). This book, written primarily for school teachers and principals, contains a wealth of information that can be used by music teachers in their associations with students' parents. This American Music Teacher column is based on the Fiore/Whitaker book, a highly recommended resource for the music teacher.

Q: Why do you believe parents sometimes are so difficult to work with? I hear other teachers say teaching would be much easier if we did not need to deal with parents.

A: Many of today's parents are consumed by just making ends meet. The families appear to function well, but, in fact, the stress of providing food and shelter for some families is more profound than we realize. Children sometimes are in the background of the family scene and do not receive adequate attention at home, and yet the parents want to provide music experiences for their children to enrich their lives. Often, the student's contact with the music teacher is more profound and more important than the teacher realizes.

Q: What are some ways to deal with angry parents?

A: Music teachers sometimes bear the brunt of angry parents who express frustration in an insolated situation with the music teacher. It is best to find ways to deal with the angry parental situation while trying to understand the anger. Whitaker and Fiore offer several methods to deal with parental anger--anger that may have taken you by surprise. They suggest you lower your vocal volume. One benefit is the parent or other person must be quieter since they can hear the teacher only by speaking softer. This also can work in a room with many noisy children who sometimes realize how loud and boisterous they are in comparison with the teacher's quieter voice.

In addition, the authors suggest the teacher look the parent straight in the eye. This technique helps place the teacher in control and be heard. The teacher conveys an air of understanding and strong communication, which can help diffuse some of the anger. Of course, the real reason for using these strategies is to deepen relationships so students can succeed.

Q: What are some ways to build mat with parents?

A: Whitaker and Fiore remind us that everyone wants to be associated with a winner. Certainly, we know that winning athletic teams have huge followings and many supporters. The music teacher needs to establish the perception that his or her studio or music school is indeed a winner. Numerous activities can be held throughout the year to strengthen the relationships with parents and the music study program. Some of these include presenting a back-to-school night or reception at the beginning of the year or semester, where the teacher introduces parents of all the students, works through the studio policy, discusses some of her goals and philosophies for music study and relates some of the opportunities she provides for children.

Periodic phone calls to parents relating positive aspects of their child's work can be particularly helpful. How many parents expect to receive a phone call from a teacher with good news about their child? This act of periodically touching base also helps strengthen home support for the child's study--that is, having parents believe in the child and do even more to support and encourage their child's study.

Studio newsletters allow teachers to present themselves and their role to parents and students in the most positive light possible. Focusing on people who are doing things correctly helps keep the focal point on the positive aspects of study and fosters more of what has been reinforced in the newsletter. Newsletters need to be personal and professional, include names and a calendar, and should ask for feedback. Although newsletters initially may be time-consuming, once a format is established and a routine (once a year, once a semester) begins, writing the newsletter becomes easier. Remember that it should be kept brief so parents can read it quickly and it is not burdensome to publish and distribute.

Q: Are there specific techniques for dealing positively with parents?

A: In the book Dealing with Difficult Parents (And with Parents in Difficult Situations), the authors cite Ben Bissell, who presented a paper at the Missouri Leadership Academy in 1992 describing five important elements for praise to have the most positive effect possible. Bissell stated that effective praise must be authentic, specific, immediate, clean and private.

Authentic praise is genuine. There are some people who do not give praise because they believe too much praise loses its credibility. A way to not let this happen is for the praise to be authentic. Simply stated, we catch students doing things right and note it, with the parent and/or child.

Specific praise shines a light on a particular behavior. Often, the positively noted behaviors in students and parents become those that will be continued and repeated. By stating exactly what was done well, the person can see the area of value and is likely to repeat that behavior.

Effective praise is immediate and timely. This is especially important to incorporate before the teacher might need to make a negative phone call. With potentially challenging students, it is essential to remember the importance of immediate praise so the strong points are noted as soon as they occur.

Another requirement for effective praise is that it must be clean. Praise should never be given in the hopes a student or parent will do something in the future or do something different at another time. For praise to be clean, it cannot include the word "but." The following is not clean praise: "I was so pleased that Susan practiced the best ever on the piece that she liked the most for the festival, but since she began the other pieces later...." The prior statement would have been far more effective if it had stopped before the word "but."

Finally, the praise generally should be given in private. This is a way to make the praise even more personal and helps the student realize the genuine nature of the praise. The student praised in private is never placed in an embarrassing position with his or her friends comparing themselves.

Q: Are there ways to increase parental involvement without having the parents take over events in an overbearing way?

A: It is important to use parental strengths to your and the students' advantage. Assign parents to do what they do best, and that could be simply to drive students to competitions so they feel involved with the event. (Perhaps the parent could drive any child but his own, so the child of that parent is in another car.) This lets the parent participate fully and gives the child time away from the parent so he can center and focus properly on the performance without negative or nervous parental influences. The parent, at the same time, feels involved and gets to hear many students play, increasing the team approach and principle of support for all students performing. Another parent might volunteer to reproduce the newsletter for the studio. Still another might enjoy being in charge of a student reception after a recital, or even after a performance class on a special occasion. Sometimes, inviting the parents to participate in specific ways prevents them from being involved in ways detrimental to their child's independence and progress.

Q: Invariably, I have parents who always want their child to receive more performance time on recitals, play in more master classes than her share or perform in more competitions than I believe are important for her. What should I do?

A: In this instance, it is important the parents know we are trying to be fair to all students in the studio. The parents should understand that it would not be fair for you to repeatedly feature another student instead of their child; and you know other parents would not deem it fair if the roles were reversed. Parents need to see you being fair and equal to all students and need to realize they would be upset if you were to feature another student over their child. In this situation, the tone of the approach is important. The teacher should be calm, relaxed and confident, and always fair and consistent with the entire group of individuals in the studio. Parental respect should follow once this is understood.

Q: What are some steps to take to pre-empt a negative phone call or misunderstanding?

A: The authors constantly reinforce the importance of the first positive phone call, made before negative transactions may take place, seemingly out of nowhere. This establishes a strong relationship with the parents from the beginning and, at the same time, gives the parent an opportunity to ask a question about something he may not understand in the music study program or with the child's lessons. The question is, more often than not, well-phrased and emotionally and factually balanced. Imagine the delight of one of your least motivated students whose parents received a positive phone call for something genuine that student did--especially in terms of the student's future commitment to his or her music study and practice.

Another approach is to send positive postcards or letters to parents about something good their child has accomplished. The postcards are a quick, effective and inexpensive way to authentically support and praise the student in a specific way. One of the authors even suggests writing on a calendar a note to make two positive phone calls every Tuesday and send positive postcards every Friday.

Q: What if a parent rants on and on about an issue?

A: Sometimes angry parents just want someone to listen to them rather than wanting someone to solve the problem. In today's society, many of us unfortunately find ourselves in situations where it seems no one really listens. We, as teachers, can help irate parents by helping them think we are attempting to see things from their point of view, which may help calm them. Making the statement, "I'm sorry that happened," can show empathy for the situation without taking sides or assuming responsibility. Importantly, this approach can help calm parents, move you into a listening mode and move both parties toward a common ground. This statement allows you to express concern about the incident and state you are sorry it happened.

Send Us Your Questions

DO you have a teaching question you would like to have answered? Perhaps you have a practice tip for students you would like to share or a studio idea you are trying differently this year. Please write and share your questions, ideas and tips, or other experiences in teaching. Send us your reflections. Questions and other items may be sent to: American Music Teacher, Attn: Polyphony; 441 Vine St., Ste. 505, Cincinnati, OH 45202-2811; fax [phone]; or e-mail to [e-mail].

Wanted: Teaching Tips

MTNA has a website feature devoted to teaching tips. Please share with us some of your favorite tried-and-true ideas. Send your tips to: MTNA, Attn: Teaching Tips, 441 Vine St., Ste. 505, Cincinnati, OH 45202-2811; fax [phone]; or e-mail to [e-mail], putting teaching tips in the subject line.

Note: Dealing with Difficult Parents (And with Parents in Difficult Situations) by Todd Whitaker and Douglas J. Fiore is published through Eye on Education, 6 Depot Way W., Ste. 106, Larchmont, NY 10538; [phone]; it can be purchased through the publisher or ordered through any bookstore.

Jane Magrath, NCTM, is internationally known as a pianist, author, clinician and teacher. She is professor and director of piano pedagogy at the University of Oklahoma in Norman.