Parenting the school age child.

Tan, lithe and ten years old, two barefoot girls dressed in cut off jeans and tee shirts play in the backyard. Eagerly piling up boxes and old lumber, they create a course of hurdles, then race it, leaping like young deer.

The afternoon sun halos their flying blonde hair as they easily clear a jump and one cries joyfully. arms flung wide into the autumn breeze, "Through the gate of heaven!"

The carefree exuberance, the shout of joy, give evidence of their new stage of life, and express awareness of the leap they have made from heaven to earth into growing young bodies. Now like graceful Greek athletes, they revel in the sheer joy of living in those physical bodies.. radiating a glorious sense of individuality and freedom. It is a brief and golden time of balance. between childhood's end and the awkwardness of puberty.

In this period of childhood, individuality is being experienced at ever deeper levels. The first landmark assertion of self-awareness came in a physical way with the two year old's, "No, do it myself!" as the toddler pushed away from others to create space for its emerging identity. Then, between two and three years, came the first miraculous inner dawning of individuality when the child first said "I." It is a major threshold in the long journey of awakening to self. But the open young child still experiences through dreamy veils of fantasy and imitation. and remains deeply connected to parents and surroundings.

By seven the growing individual senses greater separation from its divine origins, the loss of the heavenly, clouds of glory" that accompanied it from birth. The child is more earthbound and begins to realize it. Gone is the open-mouthed rosy innocence; the once wide and luminous eyes grow smaller in the countenance. The mouth closes; the gaze becomes more, inward. The child is holding the outside world at bay to create an inner one.

During the ninth year a deeper experience of self takes place within that inner world, the inner sanctum of the soul. There the holy light of individuality intensifies with new-found strength and awareness. Yet at the same time there is an accompanying bittersweet sense of separation and loneliness. Childhood has ended.

No longer protected by dreaminess and imagination, the child now sees the world in its material and sometimes fearful reality. Like the awakening of Adam and Even in the Garden, this experience can be the first encounter with mortality, death and evil, Parenting support now becomes less physical and more soul-spiritual. During this inevitable transition in the development of consciousness, parents should not pry into or explain the process. Rather they need to give the child soul warmth, patient understanding and opportunities to express their feelings and thoughts. But this will not be easy

The child now sees with new awareness and critical eyes. Parents' faults are scorned. The child man, feel alienated, even adopted If they were my REAL parents they would understand!" can be the mood. The child is less "cute" and mannerisms, often mirroring the parents' own, can become annoying. The individual comes through this transition with a stronger grip on their sword of egohood and will slash and prick at parents and classmates, flexing their muscles in arguments and scenes. "You can't make me, you're not my boss, why are you always telling me what to do!" are frequent declarations. Firm and fair parameters of behavior, accompanied by understanding. are important with the ten year old as with the defiant toddler, But the approach is to address the deed "That is not acceptable") rather than attack the integrity of the child ("You are bad"). child needs mature. capable

At this critical stage the child needs mature, capable and compassionate, adults to look up to as role models. When caring parents, relatives, teachers, ministers. and later coaches can share in the child's development during these years, a vital support can be given which can positively affect the child's entire life

Between seven and fourteen the child is dominated by feeling. The child doesn't have feelings ... feelings have the child! Emotions like dreams are vivid. intense and overstated. They kaleidoscope through the child like capricious spring breezes. The histrionics of this can hardly be believed! Children posture, brag, tease, wail, emote and parade. presenting their life drama as if for the benefit of the back row of the theatre. They are practicing life, pushing out the corners of the soul, living richly in feeling. Experiencing a full range of emotions. from the joy of a camping trip to the sorrow of a pet's death. is vital to developing a healthy adult soul.

A ten year old declares to his mother that he HATES his teasing classmate and is "NEVER going to that school again!" Then in a rare moment of insight he further declares that he will write it down" to remember to NEVER GO BACK! The next morning, all passion forgotten, he cheerfully whistles and gets ready for school.

Children at this stage, with new self criticism, can also sense with great pathos their lack of popularity. While seeds of truth can be there, the parent serves best by not letting themselves be drawn too deeply into these stages of the child's soul experience with their own emotional responses. But one needs to offer sincere empathy.

Within the capacities for strong feelings lives the potential for moral development. Rudolf Steiner observes that a true and lasting morality is not born of outer rules and admonitions. Rather it arises from the soul's capacity to feel abhorrence and hatred for what is evil, cruel, and ugly and to feel love and joy at what is good, courageous, truthful and beautiful. The person who can do this unites inwardly with the moral ideal.

Morality is then based on aesthetics. The German poet Schiller (1759-1805) wrote that to civilize the sensual human being one must first make him sensitive to beauty. Parents can engender in their children a love of beauty. Conscious cultivation is needed. These years of late childhood are the time for varied nature experiences, for beautiful art, and music lessons. The ugly and beautiful, expressed in stories of courage and indomitable triumph of the human spirit over adversity, give substance for the soul of this age. A child so nurtured can later draw from deep resources to judge and shape its own life as an adult with compassion and understanding.

The environment we provide for our children to grow in is vital to their development. They need space to play, experiment, and create. It need not be large, but they should have a place to dig, tinker, saw, pound, hammer, climb and engineer, with sand and mud, building roads, forts, and endless "houses." Even in an apartment one can have a sand table, trapeze bars can be set up in a doorway and a corner set side for wrestling and tumbling (a kind of archetypal necessity for boys especially). Visits to parks give outings.

A child's play is their "work" and should be so valued. The energy with which they enter their play will profoundly influence how they grasp their life work as an adult. Simple toys are best to encourage creativity. inexpensive cotton yardage and silks can be used in countless ways. Materials should be available for crafts. sewing, clay, etc. Crayon, paints and paper should be provided so drawing can be a daily activity. Such artistic expression is the child's "journal of life." recording their response to experience.

It is healthy, self-initiated, creative activity, of hand, eye. body and soul that gives the foundation for a capable adult who can deal with the challenges of life. A child mesmerized for hours by media and computer games is not receiving the proper brain stimulation, much less soul stimulation, for well-rounded development. Research shows the brain properly learns by doing. If television must be introduced, far better it is in micro doses, late (ideally after nine years) and judiciously edited. Parents can then introduce some positive movies and videos so the child does not feel totally at odds with its era. If Walkmans have to come, better save them for puberty. Once rock and roll enters the child's life, it will dominate until they leave home. Media saturated children ma-,. be precociously filled with "information" but sadly weakened in the will, lacking a healthy interactive relationship to work, to thinking, and the world.

Participation in family life naturally supports healthy development. Children thrive around adults doing work. whether it is bringing in firewood, cooking. or tinkering with a lawn mower. They want to help and learn and take pride their achievements. A flower and vegetable garden is a wonderful gift for children. and gives appreciation for our food. Working with living plants is refreshment for everyone involved.

Children of seven and younger can help with housework, make beds. set the table, and feed the pets at first then. need help). By nine. "chore charts" are helpful The objective written reminder is more effective than parent's nagging. Now, family. meetings are appropriate. though it is not vet a pure democracy. They young citizen has not yet really attained the "age of reason." Yet viewpoints and complaints can be beard and suggestions incorporated to serve a common good. Including good treats to eat at such meetings is a major factor for success. as well as is humor and fun to help build family morale.

Mealtime is usually the only time the family is all together on a daily basis. It is important to create a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere. It helps to get everything on the table first! This should not be the arena for conflict and reprimands which can spoil the appetite. Rather mealtime is a family time to share the day and look forward to coming events. It is also a place to gently teach manners so children can be proud of themselves and welcome in other settings. It is hard to carve out this space in busy schedules. In our family we have one firm rule: the telephone, is silenced and no one, child or adult. takes a call during dinner. Blessing the meal, with hands held around the table, is always a special part of family life. This daily moment of gratitude brings mindfulness of the gifts we receive from the earth an4 all who labor to feed us. A wise friend once said the most important thing we do with our food is to bless it!

Today the social and economic climate poses enormous challenges to everyone, To simply survive and keep oneself on an even keel is a major struggle. For example, having two incessantly quarreling children and no money to pay the bills is enough to try a saint.. But there are further concerns about basic protection, of the children. Sordid sexual and violent influences are all around. And thee are many aberrant adults. Parents should always be aware of where their children are and with whom. When children are playing together, an "open door" policy is appropriate to be aware of activities. These situations call for a calm, open, matter of fact approach. While needing to engender the sensible caution in the children, we do not want to teach them to disgust the world.

Ours is in many ways an obsessive, egocentric, childhood-destroying culture. We have to live in it, but we don't have to relinquish ourselves or our children to it. But we need to acknowledge the influences. In this cultural chaos children must still seek, their place and ask. "How does one look or act to be an adult?" In these mid-years of awakening, often sensitive and overwhelmed with new self-consciousness, children will strive after the cultural images with which they've been indoctrinated. When they try to look like Barbie or emaciated rock stars, seeds of bulimia and anorexia can be sown. The sadomasochism rampant in advertising, videos, and movies is telling a generation that sexual intimacy assumes out-of-control violence. Stories feature children's clothing in glitzi, sensual "mini" versions of adult attire (often in black). Popular television heroes like Bart Simpson present the model that adults are stupid and that defiant "in your face" sass is the norm for behavior. In many ways, as a society we're just plain crazy. We don't value our children.

It is clear that belief in oneself and one's capacities is crucial to withstand all that's coming from the world. We simply have to refuse to have corporate advertisers dictate our tastes, toys, activities, and every aspect of our lives. We can consciously choose our own way of living, And our children can develop a rich and creative inner life to be able to resist unhealthy Outside influences and become moral free creative human beings. They need to incarnate in a strong and healthy way and acquire many skills which give self confidence. One of the greatest gifts parents can give the child is a long and wholesome childhood. Childhood is short at best, and adolescence is long. Don't rush it,

For the struggles. nearly all parents feel blessed to have children. There are special moments which make it all worthwhile. These often occur at the beginning or end of the day when the child is tender and vulnerable. Value these transitions of waking and going to sleep. They are important thresholds. and how we experience them affects our sense of vitality and well being. Wake children gently and have things organized ahead of time for the morning. Early to bed is good for all. Allow "wind down" time at night with a story. Our children had evening stories throughout childhood. usually read by their father. A rich lore of good literature is thus passed on.

Bedtime is also a time for thankfulness and prayer. especially now as the child becomes more bound to earthly life, for such gives reassurance of their heavenly guidance and and protection. One can also remember departed loved ones whose warmth still radiates into our lives. As for higher spiritual aid. we know we couldn't have raised our family without guardian angels!

These childhood years are the foundation years for life. The child is growing a body. evolving a soul. and incarnating its unique spirit. Even for the most dedicated parents this can be an awesome and exhausting process. But children in their eager discovery of the world constantly renew us with fresh joy and inspiration for life. There are few rewards greater than discovering the little notes almost all children create and leave with breathless anticipation for their parents to find. Scrawled with lopsided hearts in g childish hand is the timeless message, sage, "I love you, Mommy and Dadday." With a smile and a heartfelt sigh we know it is all worthwhile.

Nancy, Jewell Poer is the mother of three sons and three daughters, all Waldorf-educated. She has been a Waldorf and special subjects teacher She is one of the founders of Rudolf Steiner College in Sacramento and of the Cedar Springs School Placerville, California. Nancy lectures widely on parenting and educational issues. is well known for her painting, and also for her "threshold" work with the dying.