Pain remedy to swear by.

IWAS intrigued to hear that swearing is an effective form of pain relief.

No, seriously. A scientist called Dr Richard Stephens led the research at Keele University. He got the idea for the project - Swearing As A Response To Pain - after watching his wife give birth. She used a whole load of ripe language during labour and delivery. Wow, thought Dr Stephens. Perhaps swearing helps.

Well, it helps me when I bang my thumb with a hammer.

As he obviously did not want to replicate the procedure ad infinitum with pregnant ladies, he undertook his research with 64 student volunteers who were willing to undergo the painful experience of plunging their hand into ice cold water.

Where did he get them from? Masochists Anonymous? I mean, if this was research to test the effectiveness of a new strong ale from Tetley there would be no shortage of people coming forward.

But for pain? "Come on, boys and girls, roll up. No, Smith Minor, you don't have to remove your trousers. It's only your hand you have to thrust into the icy depths." Strange lot, students. But they did roll up and rolled up their sleeves and it was found that those who swore could keep their hands submerged for 40 seconds longer and felt the pain less than those who were allowed to say no more than: Ooh, hecky thump.

Dr Stephens says swearing may be an inherited response from our ancestors when faced with fearsome predators.

"Oh, I say Ug. That rather truculent beast with the three horns is coming our way. What shall we do?" "Pass me the effing spear and start swearing." Dr Stephens added, "We think it could be part of the flight or fight response. In the volunteers who swore, we also found they had an elevated heart rate, so it could be increasing their aggression levels. "Increased aggression has been shown to reduce people''s sensitivity to pain, so it could be swearing is helping this process."

So now I know. If I'm ever faced with a burglar in the dead of night I shall drive my fear away and increase my aggression by banging my thumb with a hammer and swearing at the top of my voice.

Nutter, he'll think. That should scare him off.