Paging the Jerk Patrol.

Byline: The Register-Guard

Hey, you!

Yeah, talking to you over there in Row 42, the stumbling lout with the Crayon-red face and the foul mouth. The drooling dude who doesn't give a rat's backside what anyone sitting around him thinks - or that they've paid a pile of money to spend Saturday afternoon enjoying a University of Oregon home football game.

Yeah, you. Will you please sit down and be quiet? Spend the rest of the game sobering up and, oh yeah, you might try actually watching some football while you're at it.

And stop threatening those visiting fans. They've got every bit as much right as you to buy a ticket, watch the game and cheer for their team without being harassed.

Some of us in this section have been known to toss down a couple of brews out in the parking log before the game. OK, and maybe a couple more after the game. Part of the grand tradition. But we know the difference between celebrating with friends and becoming a one-man wrecking crew.

Uh-oh. Halftime. And there you go stumbling back out to the parking lot where you started tanking up a few hours before the game. You don't want to do that, pal. You really don't.

Didn't you read in The Register-Guard that the University of Oregon is cracking down on nasty, obnoxious drunks? Had to do it after last year's Civil War game, when police ended up removing a record 70 people from Autzen Stadium for bad behavior. That was just one game. There was plenty of nastiness during the rest of the season, too.

Of course you remember; you were one of the fans that got hauled off by a bunch of burly cops. The rest of us stood and applauded while they dragged you away, kicking and flailing.

Can't really blame the university. After all, it pays big bucks to have 50 local police officers and 450 security personnel at every game. Yeah, the UO sells alcohol at Autzen, but school officials work hard at controlling stadium sales, and the Oregon Liquor Control Commission patrols regularly to make sure the vendors don't serve minors or fans like you who obviously have had too much to drink.

Maybe you haven't heard that the UO has set up a hot line for fans to report offensive or violent behavior. All fans have to do is pull out their cellphones and call 346-6148, and the stadium staff will send a police officer or security personnel hustling over to deal with the problem.

After you got ejected last year, that was the end of it. Now, you could have your season ticket revoked or even be barred from being able to buy tickets in the future. Banned from Autzen. Think about it.

Halftime's over, and here you come, dripping from the tailgater trough. Strutting and stumbling right past those "Code of ConDUCKt" signs that remind fans to be good sports and not drunken jerks. Like you.

Oh no. You just spotted an elderly couple that's rooting for the visiting team. No, no, no, don't do that. Don't stick you're sweaty paws in that guy's face. Don't grab his hat. Let go of that foam finger.

Got the cellphone out and dialing that number - 346-6148. So are a dozen other concerned fans. Won't be long before the Jerk Patrol arrives and you'll be outta here - hopefully for good.

And, hey, you know what? No one's going to miss you. We'll be too busy. Enjoying the game.