PUCKER UP PEACOCK; WITH RATINGS FLYING HIGH, NBC CAN'T LET JORDAN GO.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH The Media

A note intercepted from NBC messenger Ahmad Rashad sneaking out of the network compound at the United Center in Chicago early this morning en route to the Michael Jordan estate:

My dearest MJ:

It says here the NBA Finals could end tonight. That doesn't work for us.

Let's talk numbers.

Through the first four games of these NBA Finals, we have been bestowed an all-time high 17.5 Nielsen rating average. I'm like you. Nielsen numbers don't mean anything to me. Except, in this case, my job. So I have to acknowledge them.

To put this into context, the previous four-game high was in '93 (17.1) when you guys squashed Charles Barkley and Phoenix. The first three games of last year's Jazz-Bulls series made it to about two million fewer homes (15.5 average).

Very Bullish, indeed. But there's more.

Despite trashing the Jazz in Game 3, the 16.2 rating/28 share was the second-highest Game 3 in Finals history. We think about 52 million folks watched all or part of that one. Especially the part when you were goofing off on the bench during the fourth quarter. You're soooo funny! (Want another guest host spot on ``Saturday Night Live''?)

Game 4 came back with a 19.1/33 - making it the fourth most-watched NBA telecast in history with 58 million viewers.

Who knew that an Adam Keefe-Luc Longley matchup could produce such viewership?

The network also won the week ending June 7 - the first three NBA Final games were the week's three top-rated shows. ``Touched by an Angel'' was squashed by a dynasty.

How much do you mean to us? Let us continue to count the ways.

I pick up the latest copy of Fortune magazine - with you on the cover, of course, right under the Sports Illustrated, with you on the cover, of course. Fortune makes me pay $4.95 to tell me you're responsible for about $10 billion in our nation's economy. No surprise.

One thing bothered me about that story. When it tried to determine how much you've meant to NBC, it came up with a formula - a dollar figure - that I'm not real comfortable with.

Compare the ratings of the previous five NBC Finals during the '90s that you have participated (16.3) versus the three series that you were, ahem, absent (12.9). That's a 27 percent increase. Applied to the $1.3 billion in rights fees we have paid this decade, that means - according to them - a $366 million surplus. That's without even factoring in this year's numbers.

Sure, that's a lot of Wheaties. But you know what? That $366 millll (sorry, my hand shakes when i write that number) doesn't begin to measure our relationship. Our love. The time we've spent together. Those special moments no one can take from us . . .

Maybe you can walk away from that. But I can't.

If I'm being too dramatic, I apologize. Desperate people sometimes do desperate things. Just look at this rival NFL deal I'm trying to put together with, of all people, Ted Turner. 'Nough said.

Bottom line: This show must go on. We aren't satisfied with a Game 6 and 7. I'll be honest. I've been talking to David Stern about making this a best of 23 - that's your number, right? - and I think we can make this the highest-rated summer replacement show in the history of television.

But I need more time.

If you pull a Seinfeld on us right now - if you walk away from this gold mine - you're making a huge mistake.

It's not as if you're moving on to something bigger. What are you going to do in your free time anyway, get your own talk show? Don't even make me bring up ``The Magic Hour'' at a time like this.

In American TV, we don't quit while we're ahead. We milk every last drop with spin-offs, reruns, syndication . . . guest hosting ``Saturday Night Live'' (did I mention that already?)

MJ, after all we've done for you . . .

You owe us.

Breathlessly awaiting your reply (I'm in the limo right outside your front gates, if you look out the door).

- Dick Ebersol 

- Big shot, NBC Sports 

SOUND BYTES 

By Tom Hoffarth E-mail: sptmediaaol.com

WHAT SMOKES

The Ugly American sports fan don't need no stinking World Cup soccer when it has real football - the World Bowl '98 (Sunday, 10 a.m., Channel 11). Fox has dispatched Tim Ryan, Ronnie Lott and Bill Maas to Frankfurt, Germany, as the network's first three-man football announcer booth for the World Bowl between Frankfurt and Rhein. In true Fox fashion, World Bowl '98 will have wireless mikes on both head coaches as well as the starting quarterbacks and centers, plus live audio and video from the locker rooms. Just in case you're wondering about Fox's next pitch to covering the NFL.

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, the former ``SportsCenter'' anchor who has been one of the biggest ESPN bashers since leaving the Bristol, Conn., satellite dish farm last year, issued an apology during his Sportsfan Radio Network commentary Thursday. ``I had a lot of fun on that show and a big part of me didn't want to go,'' Olbermann admitted, ``and I wasn't mature enough to deal with it any other way.''

WHAT CHOKES

It's so scripted that it's insulting, so awkward that it's painful. Basically, it just makes you want to cry. As a talk-show host, Magic Johnson is one of the greatest players in NBA history. There's a new commercial with Magic laying on the beach saying, ``With the American Express card, you can be anything you like.'' Not quite. ``The Tragic Hour'' has no magic, no matter what any of Hollywood's best special-effects artists can produce. So far, critics have gone relatively easy on the ex-Lakers star mugging for the camera and pretending to interview celebs who once applauded his work. We'd all like to see him succeed. But someone has to prevent him from embarrassing himself any more. One of his yes-men must see that. One week in, he's given radio show hosts like Howard Stern fodder for months. This proposed transformation of a sports icon into the next Arsenio Hall must be declared an unnatural disaster before the White House sends public funds in to clean up the mess.

WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV

The top 10 Nielsen-rated sports events (with their share numbers) on L.A. television from June 4-10:

Event Date Station Rt/Sh.x

Chicago-Utah Gm. 4 6/10 Ch. 4 20.7/33

Chicago-Utah Gm. 3 6/7 Ch. 4 18.0/34

Chicago-Utah Gm. 2 6/5 Ch. 4 17.6/32

Belmont Stakes 6/6 Ch. 7 6.3/17

Dodgers-Seattle 6/7 Ch. 5 5.3/13

Dodgers-Seattle 6/6 Ch. 11 4.4/12

Angels-Arizona 6/9 Ch. 9 4.3/7

CWS: USC-ASU 6/6 Ch. 2 4.2/13

World Cup: Brazil-Scotland 6/10 KMEX 3.5/13

U.S. women basketball

vs. Brazil 6/6 Ch. 4 3.5/11

x-One rating point equals 50,092 TV homes in Los Angeles; the share is the percentage of all the TV sets in use.

CAPTION(S):

2 Boxes

Box: (1) SOUND BYTES (See Text)

(2) WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV (See Text)