PROFILES IN PROTEST GET READY, WE'RE COMING TO YOUR PARTY.

I'm a protester and I'm coming your way.

I want to be in your face during the Democratic National Convention in August. I want you to pay attention to me, I want the Democratic Party to pay attention to me and I want the media to pay attention to me.

Yes, I'm coming, me and about 25,000 more just like me, or at least somewhat like me: Female, 50-something, liberal, a mother, a wife, a high school graduate, employed in a boring office job in the San Fernando Valley, with two cars, two bathrooms, and two mortgages. I'm 10 pounds overweight, have gray hairs showing, and my front lawn needs weeding.

So, Nate Holden watch out. Chief Parks watch out. Al Gore watch out. I'm on my way to the Staples Center in my SUV, wearing extra sun block and toting a protest sign picked up in Seattle at the WTO ``riot.''

Councilman Holden, you challenged me to show up, bragging about how ready you are to take me on. Well, I hope you're ready - real ready. You just better have extra toilets on hand, and free parking somewhere, 'cause I don't want to trek 20 blocks for discount parking. And I want soft toilet paper. You hear me mister? Soft toilet paper! All I can say is if we're putting out 2 million bucks on this gig, you better have quality TP.

(Hey, who invited the Democrats to hold their convention here in the first place? You didn't know this would happen? So, quit your bitchin'!)

And, LAPD Chief Bernard C. Parks, I better get the exact same treatment you gave those lowlifes who destroyed two of your police cars, started fires in the middle of public streets and kept bystanders in fear for their lives after the Lakers victory.

If those scum bags - who had no political agenda, were making no philosophical statements, and had no deeper motives than for the instant gratification of an urge to have a public temper tantrum - deserve nothing more than discreet observation, then so do I. Thank you very much.

Unless, of course, your officers feel more comfortable confronting real protesters like me.

Those scum bags (NOT Lakers fans, please) could easily have been carrying guns. I won't be.

They were itching for a fight. I won't be.

They were clearly breaking the law. I won't be.

Not that I am an easy target. No way. I'm a veteran of the Seattle/WTO riot. And what a riot that was. I tell you. 50,000 red-hotprotesters: farmers from the Midwest; teachers from the East; Free Tibetans from, well, Tibet; labor unionists from all over; little old ladies in running shoes; little old men in turtle suits; and new-agers giving away eggless egg salad sandwiches. A lean, mean group by any standards.

And then you had those heavyweight radicals like, eh, Ralph Nader, Vandana Shiva, and some farmer with a French accent, who whipped folks up to a fever pitch over world trade agreements and cheese allotments.

Oh, it was a heady time all right.

But we've all learned from that, haven't we, Chief Parks? It's not going to come as a big surprise to the LAPD that a bunch of anarchists from Oregon will show up and do their thing. Right?

You are prepared for those few bad apples and you're not going make fools of the LAPD by going overboard with the riot gear and the percussion bombs. Right? Right?

Look, we had a quarter of a million people show up for the Lakers parade and had just 11 arrests. Can't you manage 25,000 with less hoopla?

But definitely keep your eye on me, because I intend to demand, yes demand, to exercise my Constitutional right as written in the Bill of Rights: ``the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for redress of grievances.''

And here's another concept for you: what would you do if this became a weekly event? Imagine it, thousands of concerned, informed citizens, deserting their televisions in favor of speaking out, in public, on important issues on a regular basis! What a concept! Could you handle that?

Which brings me lastly to Al Gore.

In order to get you to listen to me, I have become a conundrum to city government, a perceived threat to the LAPD, and a total embarrassment to my teen-age son. Yet you're avoiding me as if I were a Buddhist nun.

Well, I don't intend to be avoided. I don't intend to be swept under the carpet by city government, the LAPD, or you.

I will be heard.

And, Mr. Holden, Chief Parks, and Mr. Gore, you need to listen.

CAPTION(S):

3 photos

Photo: (1 -- color A protester hit by tear gas is comforted by others during demonstrations in Seattle. (2 -- 3 -- color) A demonstrator, left, throws back a gas canister used by Seattle police to deter protesters. Above, a protester with her mouth symbolically taped stands with others in Seattle, where demonstrators rallied against the World Trade Organization last year.