PLEASE - NO SECONDS THESE SHOW-BUSINESS TURKEYS SPENT TOO MUCH TIME UNDER THE LIGHTS.

Byline: Rob Lowman Entertainment Editor

Did you know that vegan musician Moby tried to organize a protest to stop people from eating turkeys this Thanksgiving Day? Did you care?

Probably not. Most of you are probably getting ready to carve up a plump, juicy bird. To Moby and his crusade we say, ``Good luck'' - but in the spirit of the day, we have a little carving of our own to do right now.

However, the turkeys we're slicing up won't be nearly as tasty. Tasteless is closer to the truth. These are the foulest fowls of show biz - as Webster's defines them, ``stupid, inept, or unpleasant'' (too often all three) or just plain failures. Some of our targets are personalities; some are shows, movies or albums; others are just mindless cultural assaults.

We'll try not to have you reaching for your antacids as you read this.

MADONNA

It's not just that the Material Girl starred in one of the worst films of the year (maybe of all time), ``Swept Away,'' directed by her husband, Guy Ritchie. What's amazing is that even though everyone seemed to know that ``Swept'' was a stinker, Madonna still ended up appearing on the cover of virtually every glitzy magazine and on every TV entertainment show. (Everything was choreographed; heaven forbid somebody ask her a real question.)

And even after the film failed at the box office and received universal critical scorn - it was so bad it was never even released in Ritchie's native England - the Madonna PR juggernaut hasn't stopped. She's running off at the mouth about her upcoming album and new single, the title song of the new James Bond film. She even has a cameo in the movie as a fencer named Verity, which means truth. And truth be told, Madonna can't act, not even for those five minutes in ``Die Another Day.''

And the woman who has flaunted her sexuality (the cone bra image will live with us forever) has even shown her moral indignation, knocking ``Good Morning America'' for screening footage of a mother breast-feeding her 8-year-old son. ``People have no morals, I swear to God,'' she huffed. ``The things that people do for ratings! It's unforgivable. The world is collapsing.''

Of course, some people see her as part of the problem. Here's what legendary singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell had to say about her recently: ``Madonna has knocked the importance of talent out of the arena. She's manufactured. She's made a lot of money and become the biggest star in the world by hiring the right people.''

MARTHA STEWART 

Here's a woman who, through her television show, magazine and line of household products, has been telling us how to make our lives happier with knickknacks. However, accusations of insider trading have turned her life upside down. Now she's had to ``combat a great deal of negative publicity surrounding my personal affairs.'' No kidding. She had the world ... but if we start talking about greed, then we have to bring up Enron, the pick-six scandal and on and on and on.

WINONA RYDER

It somehow seems almost cruel to pick on Bambi, we mean Winona ``I'm researching a role'' Ryder. But enough sympathy. Her conviction on shoplifting charges is pitiful. Didn't she think she'd get arrested? You know if she had made a run for it, she could have claimed she has a role in the next ``Fugitive'' sequel.

BOTTOMS UP TO BEER ADS

A few of them are funny, but most of them are obnoxious, especially the ones called the Coors Light Love Songs ads, which (alas) are very popular.

If you haven't seen them, here are some lyrics. Just add your own heavy rock beat and images of sexy gals and dudes frolicking, drinking and generally looking clueless: ``I love football on TV/ shots of Gina Lee/ hanging with my friends ... and twins/ I love burritos at 4 a.m./ parties that never end/ dogs that love cats... and - twins!''

One local station even interviewed the twins, Diane and Elaine Klimaszewski, whom Coors sends around the country on promotions. (By the way, it's Gina Lee Nolin, former ``Baywatch'' regular.) Why twins? Do doubt because it's aimed at men who harbor the juvenile Playboy fantasy of having sex with two women at once. Good, clean fun? Yeah, right. This is from the same company that then airs ads telling us to drink responsibly. It's all part of the frat-boy mentality that is rearing its ugly head, which leads us to our next turkey ...

THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE OF 'JACKASS: THE MOVIE'

Johnny Knoxville seems to have created ``Jackass'' - the TV show and the film - as a way to entertain the guys drinking Coors Light. In the film, Knoxville and his pals perform outrageous acts like eating a snowball soaked in urine, snorting a line of wasabi (that's the hot green horseradish served at sushi bars) and jumping out of a tree with a bungee cord attached to one's underwear. (I admit I'm taking these descriptions from reviews from unfortunate critics forced to sit through it.)

This film actually contains an opening warning: ``The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so neither you nor your dumb buddies should attempt anything from this movie.'' Not everyone is down on ``Jackass.'' I actually read a letter claiming that ``Jackass'' represents young men confronting their fears, ``since fear is our only emotion.'' Huh? No, this is just stupid frat-boy pranks done for profit - with teens and bored, beer-drinking frat boys the primary audience.

Even Knoxville seemed embarrassed when the film hit No. 1 at the box office. Terrorist groups are probably using ``Jackass'' as a recruiting tool. ``Look, look, the enemy is so dumb they eat yellow snow.''

WACKO JACKO

He's the only person for whom the phrase ``cutting off one's nose to spite one's face'' is literal. If self-mutilation through plastic surgery wasn't bad enough, Jackson's little stunt of dangling his infant son, known as Prince Michael II (does anyone know how he got this kid?), over a fourth-floor balcony railing at a Berlin hotel last week only raises more questions about his judgment - if not his sanity.

But hey, after the Osbournes redefined dysfunctional and Anna Nicole Smith slothfulness, can a ``reality'' show with the former King of Pop be far behind? Spending a day watching him bandage and unbandage his surgeon's latest work and thinking up new games for his kids sounds entertaining to us. Hey, maybe Mike is just a victim (aren't we all?), addicted to fame and in need of a 12-step program.

LARRY KING AND THE CULTURE OF PUBLIC GRIEF

Wife and kids gunned down my some maniac? Don't worry: Larry or some other TV personality will see you through your time of suffering - if it will get them ratings. ``How did it feel as you watched the gunman pull the trigger? ... Really? You were torn up. Well, hold that thought, we have to break here for a commercial.''

Somehow if a traumatic experience is newsworthy - a plane crash, miners trapped in the ground, sniper shootings - the survivors or the victim's family magically appear on ``Larry King Live.'' When did that become part of the grieving/healing process? Maybe Madonna (see page 4) has a point. And that's a chilling thought.

CELEBRITY COUPLES & EXES

We could go on about Madonna and Guy, but at the moment they're being eclipsed in the media by the Ben and J.Lo feeding frenzy.

Affleck has reportedly hired $1.1 million worth of ex-FBI and CIA crack security agents to protect his fiancee. This is supposedly in light of the recent failed attempt to snatch Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham, and the current political unrest across the globe.

OK, that's at least more interesting than knowing Ms. Lopez was seen groping Mr. Affleck while they were shooting her latest music video in L.A. (He gets to kiss her cheek - her lower cheek - and undo the bottom string of her bikini in the video.) But we ask you, can't these people just go off and inflict their egos and PR machines on each other and spare the rest of us?

We know marriages/relationships aren't going to last. And when they do end, don't kiss and tell. Take the Nicole Kidman-Tom Cruise soap opera. Nicole - as lovely and talented as you are- don't describe the miscarriage or how you melted over Tom's biceps. Save it for your autobiography.

As for Justin Timberlake and Pepsi girl Britney Spears - please. (Brit, now there's a career inspired by Madonna. Spears' turkey of a movie, ``Crossroads,'' attests to that. At least it made more money.)

TELEVISION BOMBS

We're not referring to a possible war with Iraq. No, just the usual bad shows the networks foist on us every year.

Let's give Fox some credit, though. It canceled ``The Grubbs,'' starring Randy Quaid and Carol Kane as the heads of an underachieving family, before it even aired. Based on reviews from critics who saw the pilot, it was a mercy killing. ``The worst sitcom ever produced,'' said one.

Fox didn't pull the plug on David E. Kelley's ``girls club,'' the story of three young women lawyers and roommates who work at a prestigious, male-dominated law firm in San Francisco, fast enough. It lasted two episodes. Perhaps the show tanked because the ``girls'' looked and acted like they should be selling Victoria Secret's lingerie or spending time in a bar rather than in the bar.

``Push, Nevada'' will forever be known as the show ABC couldn't pay people enough money to watch. The Ben Affleck-produced mystery series had a $1 million game associated with it running on the Internet. ``Push'' aired little more than a month before it got the shove. We heard the million was recently given out. (No truth to the rumor the winner was a security guard protecting J.Lo.)

ODDS AND ENDS

Here are a few more things we learned while combing the celebrity files for this article. But we're not vouching for the verity of any of it:

Kidman and Naomi Watts have frequently visited a club where Brazilian women dance naked. Jennifer Love Hewitt enjoys an alcohol-free life - because she's, as she puts it, ``scary enough'' as it is. Billy Bob Thornton has a phobia of plastic cutlery. And Vin Diesel thinks Anna Nicole Smith is hot because he's attracted to ``white trash.''

Here's some casting we'd never want to see again: Steven Seagal as an action hero; Woody Allen as a ladies man; Adam Sandler as Jimmy Stewart; and Britney as anybody.

One thing we'd like to see since people think it's entertaining: so- called experts and commentators on TV and radio talk shows thinking - we mean really thinking - before they speak. If that ever happened, we'd have a true silent majority.

And in a gesture of charity, we won't slice into Liza Minnelli's canceled-before-it-started reality show. Sometimes people are good at carving themselves up. Just ask Michael Jackson.

CAPTION(S):

12 photos

Photo:

(1 -- 4 -- cover -- color) Feathered freaks

Grateful? No, just grating. Our 2002 Turkey Awards salute the worst in show biz

(5) MADONNA

(6) MARTHA

(7) Hey MOBY, how 'bout a Tofurkey?

(8) WINONA

(9) WONDER TWINS? Elaine and Diane Klimaszewski

Jean-Paul Aussenard/WireImage.com

(10) Jackass the movie

(11) no caption (Michael Jackson)

(12) STEAMY ON AND OFF THE SCREEN: J.Lo & Ben