PITCH FOR BACK-IMPAIRED MR. X BECOMES MAJOR AFFRONT TO MAYOR.

Byline: Ann Landers 

Dear Ann Landers: I wonder how many readers besides myself resent being bombarded by the media with requests for financial help.

One pitch that caught my eye was particularly irritating. In an attempt to pull at the heartstrings of soft-hearted readers, a newspaper story told of Mr. X, who has been out of work for two years with a back injury and stays at home with his seven children, while Mrs. X goes to work at her minimum-wage job.

Please note that there are seven children in the family and five were born within the last five years. In my opinion, Miss Landers, there is nothing wrong with Mr. X's back. Rather, it is Mr. X's front that seems to be the problem.

Instead of giving him financial help, I would like to pledge $1,000 of my personal funds to pay for Mr. X's vasectomy, should he consent to the procedure. I am signing my name to this letter, and you have my permission to print it.

- Steven Gourley,

mayor of Culver City 

Dear Readers: I phoned Mayor Steven Gourley of Culver City and asked if he was sure he wanted me to print his letter. His response was "Absolutely, that's why I wrote it." I then pointed out that it might damage his chances for re-election. Hizzoner replied, "That's OK. I am not planning to run again."

So, all you aspirants for the mayor's office of Culver City should be aware that the job will be open when Gourley's term expires in April.

Dear Ann Landers: You hit a nerve (mine) when you said in a recent column that cats do not annoy their neighbors. I disagree with you, Ann. The cats around here annoy me a lot.

1. They stalk and kill the beautiful wild birds that come to my feeder and my birdbath.

2. They climb all over my car and leave scratches.

3. They have ruined every lovely garden in this neighborhood.

Obviously, you've never heard a cat screeching in the middle of the night. I have, and it's a hideous sound.

I live in a condo complex that has a rule about pets running loose. Dog owners obey this rule, but the cat people ignore it. I have no desire to start a war between dog and cat lovers. All I want is a little consideration as a bird lover, and I would certainly appreciate a good night's sleep.

- Lakeland, Fla.

Dear Lakeland: Cat lovers, dog lovers and bird lovers all have devoted supporters, and like you, I have no intention of choosing sides. Have you tried earplugs at night? They work.

P.S.: Cat owners should know that these pets are safer indoors, and if they are neutered, they will not howl, fight or want to roam.

Dear Ann Landers: I recently moved into a lovely condo. Everything is perfect, but I now have a new phone number and am being pestered by a heavy breather who doesn't speak. Last night, he called six times. The phone company says it can't help me. Can you?

- N.Y., N.Y.

Dear N.Y.: You can solve your problem by spending less than a dollar. Buy a whistle, and blast the caller's ear off. That will do it.

Gem of the Day: Marriage teaches you loyalty, forbearance, self-restraint and a lot of other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single.