ON my faithful bicyclette, I have traversed for years through Scotland's braes and glens and I 'ave looked on your blooming heather.
Et mon Dieu, she is lovely, isn't it?
You call me "Onion Johnny" and "Froggie". I call you "pathetique".
Sacre bleu! Never have I heard such wailing as I did when zee Scots could not connect on zee telefon last week to buy tickets for our Coupe du Monde.
Call yourselves hommes? I call you champion moaners.
You say nous rigged les phone lines in favour of les Francais. And pourquoi pas? To do something else would be crazee.
I 'ave never understood zee way zee British do not care for their interests.
Regardez our farmers, our seamen, our dockers.
They block roads and ports sooner than you can say Ooh, Aah, Cantona.
Your workers 'ave fear to strike since La Thatcher removed their wobbly bits.
Your farmers... when did they release zee lambs in Parliament, or stop zee traffic with zee tractors?
Vraiment, what made my beret tremble with anger has been your attaque on la belle France.
How can people who mang mince, tatties and Irn Bru criticise ANYONE? Dgutante!
As for zee mouton pie and pudding noir... Oooooh! Zey make me sick to my estomac.
It reminds me zat your rugby team, zey play like zee puddings.
C'est bon, because they make zee French equipe look magnifique. And your football was trs mal until Messieurs Mahe, Rousset Adam et Vareille arrived.
But who is this player you call Super Allez?
Your montagnes are magnifique, oui - but toujours zey are under zee cloud.
Your femmes - apart from Heather, bien sur - are not chic. They look like the haggises.
Because of the cold blood, they do not like to wear zee naughty lingerie.
As for l'amour - zoot alors!
Regardez zee French femme, zee Italian bella-donna and zee Scottish wifie smooching on zee couch avec zer husbands...
La belle Brigitte, she says: "Ooh la la!".
Gina says: "Mamma mia!"
And Morag, she shouts: "Hamish, yon ceiling needs a wee lick o' paint."
Your idea of fine wine is a pounds 2.99 bottle of Bulgarian from zee supermarch.
Your cheese, I speet it out like soap.
Your boys wear silly skirts and your girls wear tracksuits to be like La Spice Sportif.
You like zee dreadful bagpipes, which sound like zee alley cats being tortured. Incroyable!
Also, it is difficile to comprend why you want zee tickets for zee Coupe du Monde?
L'Equipe d'Ecosse, she has no chance. And zee Tartan Army, she is demobbed, non?
Sacre bleu! Beaucoup francs just to watch a team lose.
Vraiment, you are a curious nation.
Au revoir, mes amis. Vive the Auld Alliance!
Just one thing more... would you like to acheter des onions, tres cheap?