PEDDLERS OF TEENAGE SLEAZE HAVE YOUR BACK.

Byline: The world according to PEACHES

The rise of the thong is over, so says The New York Times.

Sales are down, and intimates departments are now carrying less thongs and offering more ... coverage.

But there are those of us who remain true to the thong. We like the feel of deep constant wedgies. We like not having visible panty lines. We like the feel of less is more.

So if thongs are no longer as readily available, where can adult consumers go to find the $20 strings and ribbons to lace up our derrieres?

Rest easy. I know exactly where you can still buy your slutty intimate apparel.

Go to wherever teenage clothing is sold, and there you'll find a plethora of trampy clothing. It's a treasure trove of smut. Thongs galore. All the little Lolitas, so it seems, wouldn't be caught dead in undies with coverage.

Or so I found out recently when I went into a store at my local mall, drawn in by the cheap and tacky prom dresses on display. (I was feeling nostalgic about my own cheap and tacky prom dresses of yore.) Eventually, I wandered toward the back of the store and found myself looking at the most provocative underwear I'd ever seen. I must admit, I was psyched.

It was all so inexpensive and fun. Total sleaze. There were cute sayings on the crotches and lipstick kisses and things that said ``Princess'' on the butt. It was way more flirtatious and overtly sexual than anything you can find in a ``grown-up'' underwear department.

And I thought, ``My God, these things are for kids. My God, teenagers are ripping these things off each other.''

I mean, that's obvious, OK. Teenagers have sex. But as someone who was a complete geek growing up, I felt shocked. I wasn't the type who displayed messages on my underwear crotches. I wore big cotton Jockeys. And there wasn't a huge threat that anyone was ever gonna rip off my K-Mart corduroys and see what was underneath. Sure, I walked around thinking about sex all the time like every teen - but not the reality. I didn't know from crotchless underwear or edible jock straps then.

Now I'd be so intimidated to be a teen. On the one hand, you're sold whorish get-ups and music videos with mega cleavage and humping hips. But then you're told you have to be a virgin like Britney Spears claimed to be, and warned about the dangers of sex with all those nasty slide shows of STD-infested genitals in sex-ed class in school. Yikes.

And then there are adults getting crazy over Janet Jackson's nipple. How are teens to make heads or tails of all of these messages?

I received a catalog from ``buycostumes.com'' the other day. It begins with cutesy infant costumes and Barney and Spider-Man costumes for kids. But then, directly following the Harry Potter page, comes a page for preteens. My favorite is the ``Hottie Totties Handy Candy Pre-Teen,'' which features a long-legged preteen model as a porn movie version of a candy striper seductively holding a stethoscope. ``This won't hurt a bit,'' the online version of the catalog says. ``Child size 11-14 (5' tall and 27'' waist).''

Further down the page is a girl, about 11 years old, wearing an ultraprovocative skimpy black ``Salem Witch Teen'' costume. The fishnet stockings the model is wearing have garters at the top, which are visible because the witch skirt is so short. ``Available in one size - up to Teen size 9,'' it says.

Society just can't make up its mind. Underage sex is bad, bad, bad, yet underage sex sells, sells, sells, and money is good. But the end result is mixed-up preteens dressed as hottie totties roaming the dark streets on Halloween night asking strangers for candy. It's wacky.