PAYCHECK AND HUMILIATION FOR `LITTLE MAN' ACTORS.

Byline: Evan Henerson Staff Writer

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to the 25th annual I Sold My Soul to Deviant Forces, Cashed a Paycheck and Made an Unwatchable Movie awards ceremony, also known as the Sellies.

Our top acting honoree this evening is a former Oscar nominee (for Woody Allen's ``Bullets Over Broadway''), a writer and director who never met a mobster he couldn't bend to his will. Let's have a big round of applause for Chazz Palminteri of the film ``Little Man.''

Before we bring him up to accept his Sellie, a few words about our honoree's achievement. Mr. Palminteri is not the star of ``Little Man.'' That indignity falls jointly to the film's two co-writers, Marlon and Shawn Wayans. Brother Keenen Ivory Wayans directs.

In the role of Walken, the mob boss (what else?) looking to gain possession of a priceless diamond, Mr. Palminteri is not forced to get peed on by a dog, endure countless jokes about the size of his genitals, wear a diaper, drink breast milk or ogle big-breasted women.

Those duties fall to Marlon Wayans, whose face has been transposed onto a 9-year-old actor's body.

Marlon's midget character, Calvin Sims, is an ex-convict who impersonates a baby in order to steal the diamond that has somehow ended up in Vanessa Edwards' (Kerry Washington) purse. Because Vanessa's husband Darryl (Shawn Wayans) is desperate to be a father and because the city's Department of Child Services is closed for the weekend, the Edwardses take care of Calvin -- who has been placed on their doorstep -- for the weekend. Havoc ensues.

This havoc is wrought primarily by Calvin himself. Mr. Palminteri's primary duties include glowering at henchmen Bruno and Roscoe, saying ``get me that diamond'' a few times and, ultimately, taking a toy airplane to the crotch.

Mr. Palminteri did not create or direct this cheerfully brain-dead scenario. In fact, Mr. Palminteri, who has been quoted in ``Little Man'' press notes as saying, ``If I'm going to be in a comedy, I wanted it to be a smart comedy,'' appears in just enough of ``Little Man'' to qualify for tonight's honor.

Ladies and gentleman, the year's top Sellie, Chazz Palminteri!

Evan Henerson, [phone]

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LITTLE MAN - half star

(PG-13: crude and sexual humor throughout, language and brief drug references)

Starring: Marlon Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Tracy Morgan, Kerry Washington, Chazz Palminteri.

Director: Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Running time: 1 hr. 37 min.

Playing: In wide release.

In a nutshell: Grown-up minds wallowing in juvenile humor yet again.