PARKING AT YOUR OWN RISK.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

In this grand scheme all laid out nice `n' pretty by our boys at Anschutz - and gazoontite, by the way - amidst all kinds of trendy restaurants, glamorous theaters, upscale boutiques, sprawling hotels, high-rise condos, ultra-private clubs and perhaps a few opium dens that weren't included in the mock-up shown to the public, did anyone think about adding a couple of stinkin' multi-level parking garages nearby?

Or is there a $20 valet service we're just not aware of yet?

-- With the influx of tourists bustlin' around town this weekend, how are we supposed tell the Clampett clan that has arrived by covered wagons all the way from Oklahoma to see their Sooners get schoonered by UCLA apart from the Hatfields and/or McCoys who've pushed their youngins in shopping carts all the way from Arkansas to see their Razorbacks get roasted on spicket by USC?

Is there a particular brand of overalls? A distinctive scent of shotgun powder? Is it as simple as counting teeth?

And if each visiting team is trailing by 21 at halftime, how do we know they aren't just playin' possum?

--What's the easiest way to smuggle booze into the Coliseum, other than filling a forklift full of Corona Lights and having Pete Carroll drive it through the tunnel while giving thumbs-up to the security guys?

-- Did Bob Stoops really think he was punishing Adrian Peterson by forcing him to sit out a couple of practices this week? What was it that Allen Iverson said about practice?

-- Who receives their college diploma first, Peterson from Oklahoma or Tommy Lee from Nebraska?

-- Perhaps inconceivably, but mathematically possible, do you realize that based on the standings before Friday's games, the San Diego Padres could lose 14 of their last 16 and still win the NL West with a 74-88 record?

Just like the Dodgers could stumble into the World Series with 74 wins while the Angels miss the playoffs after winning 95?

-- How old does it make you feel hearing that Robin Yount turned 50 on Friday?

-- Are you all choked up thinking about Latrell Sprewell in the Lakers' lineup?

-- Before he happened to play Junior Cop and report a hate crime in progress, was Shaquille O'Neal cruising around South Beach at 3 a.m. looking for trouble or trouble-makers?

-- Would you call the new Elijah Wood movie ``Green Street Hooligans'' the feel-bad, facial-reconstruction hit of the summer?

-- Even though he took the names off their backs, do the Dodgers players feel Ballpark Frank McCourt has their backs?

Why wouldn't he consider selling the space above the numbers to a deserving company like, say, Rent-A-Wreck?

-- Let's cut to the Chase - without Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr., your interest in the last 10 NASCAR races couldn't possibly drop even lower, right?

-- Whenever you hear that Danica Patrick is on the pole, do you instinctively reach for your wallet for spare singles?