PARENTING : WHEN SETTING LIMITS FOR YOUR TEEN, TRY COMMUNICATION, COMPROMISE.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

As children enter the teen-age years, the way parents discipline them must change in order to be effective. Autocratic commands with no explanation, or the threat of physical punishment no longer work. Instead, you need to establish a new, discussion-based relationship with your teen that promotes trust between parent and child.

This trust is based on mutual respect. Teen-agers are old enough to understand the words you say and often have the maturity to accept an attempt to treat them in a way that shows you understand they are growing up.

Besides this understanding, most teens are willing to obey limits they see as reasonable. If they feel otherwise, set up a family meeting when neither of you is angry to spell out why you feel the way you do. Often you can reach a compromise. Instead of just saying ``no,'' try asking your teen-ager what he or she feels is reasonable.

The benefits of a compromise are that both of you will feel satisfied. When my young teen-ager wanted to stay out till midnight on a Saturday, we negotiated that we would try an 11 p.m. curfew and then renegotiate the time a month later.

Being a teen-ager means striving for more and more autonomy and freedom. Recognize his or her needs and let the steps be small ones. Some children will accept these small steps and see you as fair. Mutual trust is built on these small steps. If teens learn that you can be fair at least sometimes, they will more readily accept the limits you set for them.

Discuss the future with your teen-ager. Cover such topics as when you will reconsider his curfew, or when he can start dating. Ask your child what limits he considers fair. Often you can come to an agreement.

It is important for parents to know how much they can trust their children. Some teen-agers are very reasonable and can accept parental limitations. With others it is more difficult. Even with these children, a mutual decision is better than demanding certain behavior without discussion. Children are often secretly glad that their parents can trust them and will reconsider an extension of privileges at a later time.

What do you do if your teen-ager does not agree with you? Parents have to make the final decision on how much freedom to give each child. Sometimes there can be no compromise, and parents have to stick to their values on child-rearing. If you can make a reasonable case about protecting your child, there is a possibility that your limits will be accepted, at least temporarily.

Suggestions for parents

1. Giving teen-agers a reason for why you make decisions means that you are treating them with respect.

2. Your teen-ager knows you are acting out of love if you discuss why you are setting limits.