PARENTING : WHEN FATHERS AND MOTHERS DISAGREE ON RULES.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

The good news is that fathers are becoming more involved in the daily lives of their children. The bad news is that mothers and fathers often disagree, especially on discipline and rules.

Mothers more often set the rules for their children. From the beginning of a child's life, mothers take care of the day-to-day planning. When a child goes to bed. When he or she is fed. What the child wears, as well as all of those rules such as not eating before meals, doing homework before watching TV and finishing chores before playing. It is mothers who usually organize the families' functioning and routines on a day-to-day basis.

Fathers' roles have changed somewhat during the last 50 years. Fathers now often want to be more involved in how their son or daughter is raised. They do not want to be the ``bad guy,'' the person who must discipline the child after coming home from work. They want to enjoy their children and contribute what they feel may be lacking in mothers' handling of the child.

The differences in parenting may be dramatic. For example, a child may run to the mother for support and a hug if something is wrong. He may expect more roughhousing from the father. Fathers may play in a way that is too exciting for a child before bedtime. A father looking forward to a relaxing evening may want to watch a sports event on TV. He may want his son or daughter with him, thereby interfering with a rule set by the mother that all chores need to be done first. A father may not realize that rules have been set unless there is good communication with the mother.

Parents may differ on the importance of different rules. Every parent can cite his or her own examples of conflicts in rules set down by either parent. What is most important is that parents follow a set of guidelines to avoid constant conflict on the limits or rules set by either parent. Maybe some rules should never be broken; only parents can decide.

Guidelines to follow for both parents:

1. While it is sometimes not convenient for a mother to communicate with the father about what the rules are before they are set, it is important for parents to discuss together what these rules are.

2. Have these discussions away from the children so that, if you differ, you don't have an argument in front of them.

3. If you can't agree, you need to work out a plan about what to do. Parents disagreeing in front of a child is more damaging and confusing than following any rule you might set.

4. If there can be no agreeable solution, try both approaches for a few weeks and see what the results are. Is a child going to bed a half-hour later really disruptive? Is the occasional snack before dinner, with the child eating less at dinner, a major problem? Remember that sometimes breaking rules can be positive if it leads to other benefits. An example of this is the child doing something with his or her father rather than doing chores or homework, such as going fishing or going to some special event. Parents need to consider the importance of child-parent bonding, which may be very important to the parent who works and doesn't see as much of their children as they would wish.

Suggestions for parents:

1. The mother's needs, the father's needs and the child's needs are often different. Time needs to be spent on all three.

2. Mothers and fathers have different needs and interests. A child needs time to bond with both parents, even though at times it conflicts with a well-running schedule or routine.