PARENTING : UNDERLYING REASONS WHY MOM'S ACTING SO IRRITABLY.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin

Sometimes mothers complain in therapy, and other places, that all they do is yell. They yell at their husbands, their children, the gardener and anyone else who happens to call on a bad day. They seem to want everything to be a certain way and nothing seems to appease their sense of ``not rightness.''

Are they just being picky? No, it's just if it isn't done right today, they'll have to do it again tomorrow. They often don't like having to feel so critical or controlling. What are some underlying causes? A little therapy has revealed a few possibilities.

Sometimes the mother has a desire for more power and control in her life. There is little opportunity for some mothers to express their knowledge, talent and ability in a way that is recognized and validated by praise or, let's say, a high salary. After raising a few children, the ability to juggle four or five balls in the air at the same time, while organizing a small corporation of teachers, tutors, coaches and social activities seems commonplace for many mothers. Maybe they complain more than their own mothers did because they feel their efforts should be more recognized. When a mother is being ``difficult'' maybe she needs a bigger arena. Going back to work, school or volunteering her managerial or creative skills to a needy organization could offer a real solution.

A second possibility is that the mother's support needs are not being recognized. Maybe nobody has lifted a finger to help her. Maybe nobody has told her how beautiful she looks and how much she is loved and appreciated. Maybe nobody has treated her like a girlfriend and made her feel special for her beauty rather than her power. For some mothers, it is a kind word, a small gift, a caress or some genuine physical help. Make a date; get a baby sitter; buy a flower; do her chores for her. Everyone, including mothers, needs to feel there is someone who sees them, knows them and loves them without having to ask for it.

The third factor is biochemical. When some mothers are premenstrual, they are physically uncomfortable. Their hormones are shifting and their body is preparing for a new ``baby environment.'' In most primitive cultures, women are said to be in their ``power'' mode. They usually take time to go inward and be by themselves, because the energy draws them inside, not outside. Unfortunately, in our culture, we ask our mothers to stay outward when they naturally may want to go inward. It's their natural break time. Perhaps we have not valued the cycles in life in a way that would benefit both men and women. Perhaps if we did, the woman's cycle would not be joked about negatively.

What should husbands do? They first should take their wives to a place where they will not be interrupted and where she has no responsibilities for a good hour or two. Secondly, they need to ask their wife what it is they need. It will either be a need to have more control or it will be a need for more support. The support may be physical or emotional or both. Listen carefully. Don't explain, contradict, justify or try to solve the problem. Just listen! The first stuff that comes out is usually the negative stuff. Don't resist. In a matter of time, your wife will probably come to a clear idea, just by talking, of what she needs and she will tell you succinctly. Make every effort to meet that need. Any effort in that direction will be recognized and appreciated. The more successful you are in listening and changing, the more capable you will be in supporting your wife. You might even teach your children how to listen and support their mother.

Recommendations: 1. Both men and women need to be aware of when Mom is in a bad mood, and they need to make a space to determine what is needed. Avoiding her doesn't really solve the problem. 2. Listen carefully to determine if more support or more freedom is needed 3. Make every effort to meet the need.