PARENTING : TURN A CHILD'S NAGGING INTO A LESSON IN PATIENCE.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

It's amazing how focused our children can be when they want something. All of a sudden, their attention and their persistence goes into high gear. Where is this focus and persistence when it comes to their schoolwork, their chores, or the things that we feel are important?

Often parents wonder if their child isn't at least on the borderline of attention deficit disorder until he or she is going after some desired toy, game or event. Besides this heightened focus, children can suddenly recall every word of a conversation that contained the inkling of a promise to them. Add to this their newfound ability to research where an item can be found and how much it costs, and in an instant you have a budding genius.

Does this mean that our children are willing to ``work'' for what they want? Well, no, not really. They usually prefer the more effective method of nagging. Nagging, of course, is the technique of repeating your name no less than three times in a row followed by innumerable requests all within a matter of minutes. For example, ``Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, can we go now, can we go now, huh, huh, can we go now?'' might be just the opening statement.

If simple nagging doesn't immediately achieve the desired result, sweet begging with false compliments and false promises can be thrown in, such as, ``Please, please, please, Daddy you're the greatest! I promise to never hit the dog again. Come on, Daddy, please.'' If the seduction is taking too long, then a child can resort to the ever powerful guilt or intimidation. ``Come on, Mom, you never do anything I want. You always do what Billy wants. You don't love me,'' or ``If you don't take me, I won't be nice to ...'' If their verbal manipulations don't work, then they'll go for a tantrum.

The fact is that most children make great salespeople; they don't take no for an answer, and they go for the close. Parents are busy and don't want to be hassled, so they give in. Parents are tired and worn down by the nagging; they want peace and rest. Parents also want to be nice and have their children like them, so they give in. When parents give in under these circumstances, they reinforce the child's approach - to nag, use guilt or verbally intimidate.

Parents need to separate what the child wants from how the child is acting. When a child asks for something, a parent will have one of three reactions. They think it's good, it's bad, or they have a mixed reaction. They may need a little time to think about it.

When the child starts nagging, the parent needs to stop talking about the item and start talking about how the child is nagging. ``If you ask me again, you will not get it.'' or ``Do not talk to me again about this until after dinner.'' In all fairness, if a child is nagging and needs a clear answer as to yes, no or when, give a time when he or she can get that answer. It is important that you keep your word. If you keep to your word, children will learn to wait.

Suggestions for parents

1. You can stop children's nagging by separating what the child wants from how the child is asking for it. Use the opportunity to teach a child how to ask for things and how to wait.

2. If you ask the child to wait, be sure to keep your end of the bargain. The child's trust in you will reinforce the newly learned patience.