PARENTING : LEAVE THE GUILT BEHIND BY DOING YOUR BEST WHEN RAISING CHILDREN.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

Bombarded by books and articles on how to be a good parent, it's not unusual to feel a little (or a lot) inadequate when it comes to raising children. We feel guilty - sometimes with good reason but often only because we haven't lived up to our desire to be the perfect parent.

However, there are no perfect parents, only those who consider all the possibilities and feel they have done their best.

All of us fail in some area. We may spend enough time playing with our child. We may not be there when our child needs us. We may be too easy or too tough a disciplinarian. We may lose out temper or become irritable and yell at our children.

There is no end to the reasons for feeling guilty if we have tendencies in that direction. As our children start to move away from home and attend school, things happen to them that also make us feel guilty. We wonder if we have prepared our child for dealing with problems in the real world.

Parents often have one of two major approaches. If they feel that their own parents did a wonderful job of raising them in a kind and considerate as well as loving manner, they try to do the same things their parents have done. If their parents were often angry, frequently yelling and criticizing them, they convince themselves that they will try to avoid those mistakes and be a better parent.

Of course, most of us fall somewhere within those guidelines. We know more about parenting now. We know that constant criticism, or constant yelling and punishing, is not a healthy way to raise children. The problem is that, being a normal parent, we do things we said we would never do. The thought of being just like our mother or father - when we do something we said we would never do - is depressing and leads to guilty feelings.

Parents need to give themselves the permission to make mistakes, to say the wrong thing, or to do the wrong thing. It is acceptable to apologize to your child, or to move away from the situation until you have calmed down. Realize when you feel out of control and try to rectify the situation. Learn from your errors so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

Don't blame yourself for things you can't control, or an error in judgment. Realize that you are going to make mistakes - and try to change your behavior. This also means to not necessarily accept other people's criticism. Parents and friends can be cruel or unthinking. Their criticism may be the result of how they feel a child should be raised, which may differ from your point of view.

These are your children. You make the decisions. You may want to listen to comments from people you respect and trust, but ultimately the decisions lie with you.

Your child may make you feel guilty by saying, ``I don't love you,'' or ``You're mean.'' If this works for them, they can get what they want. They will then use this technique against you whenever they want something you won't give them. You can respond by telling them you understand they are angry, but they can't have what they want at this time. Always remember that your children will always love you if you are a loving parent who makes them feel safe and wanted.

Suggestions for parents

1. Learn what pushes your buttons and makes you feel guilty.

2. Look for ways to accept your imperfections and do the best you can.

3. Remember that if your children feel loved and accepted, you have done well with the basic job of being a parent.