PARENTING : DON'T FALL INTO THESE PARENT TRAPS.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

Some of the most difficult issues in parenting have to do with the parents' unresolved and usually unconscious needs left over from childhood. They are often the key source of struggle between parent and child, as well as between the two parents. Most of these needs can be put under three categories.

Undoing: Undoing is a way of avoiding or eliminating those unpleasant aspects of one's own childhood. For example, if my parents were very strict and more concerned about my behavior rather than my feelings, I might have grown up thinking that my parents really didn't understand me, appreciate who I was or allow me to express myself.

As a way to undo these feelings, I might give my children more freedom to express their feelings, give them more praise and be more their friend. In other words, I become the kind of parent I would have liked to have had.

Through my kids, I get to re-parent myself. The only problem is that the chances are 50/50 that it will meet the needs of the child. In fact, for many children today, self-expression has taken a precedence over self-control. Parents who are under this unconscious influence report how painful it is to them when they have to set restrictions on their children and enforce them. They feel they are being ``mean'' like their own parents. They are afraid that their children won't love them.

Redoing: Redoing is a way of repeating what one liked as a child. For example, if my parents were strict and organized and I liked that, thought it was good for me and felt it was a key to my success, I will want that for my children. On the other hand, if I had freedom to come and go as I pleased, had few or no obligations and had very loose structure, I might want that for my children. I might want them to have the freedom and fun that I had.

Again, the chances are 50/50 that this approach will work for a particular child and has more to do with meeting the unconscious needs of the parent.

Parents who are under this unconscious influence often feel sad and disappointed that their children are missing opportunities that they had as children. Sometimes they take unnecessary risks in giving their children too much unsupervised freedom in today's world.

Living through the child is a third pitfall that parents often fall into. Classic examples are parents who push their children's athletic, artistic, academic or social successes. Psychologically, it is a way of vicariously achieving success for themselves. Unfortunately, in many cases it has more to do with the parent's need than the child's.

The danger comes when the child's more immature psychological system cannot handle the parent's energy, and the child burns out. A second danger comes over time, when the child realizes that he or she is living the parent's dream. Feelings of resentment, betrayal and loss can then overwhelm the child.

Parents have some of the fiercest arguments over what's best for their children because they so heavily identify with their own needs. Each parent is attempting to undo or redo a childhood experience of being parented, and a particular child or the children become the battleground. Each parent needs to step back, separate their own needs from those of the child and make a more objective decision. Usually, a compromise is in order.

These patterns in parenting are instinctive and often only partly conscious. All of us are to some extent guilty of using children for our own needs. It is very hard to view our children objectively and determine what they need rather than what we want to give them.

What's a parent to do? Parents need to take the time together to sit down and discuss what they liked and didn't like about how they were parented. Each needs to acknowledge the value of what the other is saying. Each needs to find a way of incorporating and supporting that value in the raising of the children. Each needs to recognize that neither parent will have complete say in raising of the children, and that the children will be a product of both parents. Compromise is important.

Secondly, parents need to look objectively at what each child needs. Each child needs something different in terms of structure and freedom, self-expression and self-control, rewards and consequences.

Thirdly, parents need to find outlets to meet their own unmet needs. Going back to school, joining adult sport leagues, taking art or music classes or developing a hobby can be very helpful.

Recommendations: 1. Separate your needs from the child's needs. 2. Deal objectively with the child's needs. Seek outside professional opinions if you are not sure what your child needs. 3. Find outlets in the adult world to meet your own needs.