PARENTING; NO SUCH THING AS EASY DIVORCE.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin

There is no easy way to tell your children that you and your spouse have decided to divorce. For most children this comes as a shock even if they heard and witnessed many fights. Mostly, children fight the IDEA of the divorce because they have no point of reference - they haven't been through a divorce; they don't understand why the parents are divorcing; and they don't know what to expect.

IN THE BEGINNING, CHILDREN RUN THROUGH MANY FEELINGS. They are angry that the parents are doing this to them. They may be especially angry with the one parent they believe is to blame. They may be angry that that parent has ruined their family. They may be embarrassed that their friends will find out. They may feel ashamed that their parents are divorcing.

MANY CHILDREN REACT WITH FEAR. They don't know what is going to happen. Will they ever see the other parent again? Where is the other parent going to live? Will the family split up? Who will take care of the children? There are so many unanswered questions, many children can become easily overwhelmed.

SENSITIVE CHILDREN CAN SIMPLY FEEL HURT. They feel the pain of the loss. They feel betrayed and or they may feel abandoned. They immediately cry and often personalize the divorce. They sometimes think they could have prevented the divorce if only they could have been better in some way. If they didn't fight so much; if they were nicer; if they were more helpful, maybe Mom and Dad would still be together. These children can easily feel guilty and silently feel responsible for the divorce.

HOW SHOULD PARENTS WHO ARE PLANNING TO DIVORCE APPROACH THIS TOPIC WITH THEIR CHILDREN? Parents should first make this decision outside of the presence of their children. Secondly, the parents should not immediately tell the children. Rather, they should take some time to work out who is going to live where and what the custody arrangement will be. These are questions that children immediately ask. Who is going to take me to and from school? Who is going to take me to soccer? And so on. When will their schedules change? They are reassured, although not necessarily happy, when you have concrete answers.

NEXT, SIT DOWN TOGETHER AND TELL THE CHILDREN that the two of you have decided to separate. Children will get upset. They will ask why? They may want to assign blame. Reassure the children that you both love them very much and that you are not going to abandon them. If you tell them you are going to separate they will ask you if you are going to divorce. You can say yes, no or it's undecided at the moment. Pick an answer that is most true. Some children need to get used to the idea in stages. Separation doesn't sound as final as divorce. Allow plenty of time for them to express their feelings.

If it is only one parent who is wanting the divorce and the other parent can not bring himself or herself to say that the decision is mutual, then the parent who wants the divorce should bare the brunt of the decision making. Both parents, however, should help the children work through feelings about that parent.

Divorce is like anything else in life. It's what you make of it. The best way to make a divorce work is to stop the fighting between Mom and Dad and to make sure the children feel that Mom and Dad are working together.

RECOMMENDATIONS: 1. Divorce can have a life-changing impact on children. Take steps to support your children through the process. 2. Be mindful of the full range of emotional reactions that children show, both during and for sometime after the divorce.

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Photo: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin