PAINT ME A VERY BORING PICTURE.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

`GIRL WITH a Pearl Earring'' will probably be greeted with all manner of hushed enthusiasm by art lovers, not to mention cinematographers, but the remaining 99.99 percent of the world would be better served by a trip to the local museum. And if your town is a little short on culture, a Van Gogh calendar will do.

Studiously observed, meticulously crafted and fatally dull, ``Girl'' can, at times, be less interesting than watching paint dry, a process that the movie actually observes. Based on Tracy Chevalier's novel, the film wonders what was going on in the head of the great Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer when he was churning out masterpieces in the 17th century, particularly the famous oil that is the title of the film. Information about Vermeer's life is sketchy. Some thought that the painting was of one of the artist's daughters, but the eldest was only 11 at the time.

You'd think that would lead to some interesting conjecture. Instead, we are given trite treatments of class and poverty and a melodramatic story of repressed love that veers between hysteria and tedium. The film's composition is extraordinary: The lighting and the use of color perfectly evoke the private worlds in Vermeer's work. But the shaky psychology of the storytelling suggests only the worst elements of hackneyed costume drama.

The girl in the title is Griet (Scarlett Johansson), who comes to work in the Vermeer household and catches the eye of the artist (Colin Firth, wearing a wig of flowing hair). This doesn't sit well with Vermeer's wife (Essie Davis), but then she doesn't understand him or his work. Griet, Vermeer comes to believe, does. And that's OK with the practical mother- in-law (Judy Parfitt) who knows Vermeer will eventually paint the girl's portrait, which can then be sold to a wealthy benefactor (Tom Wilkinson) who also has the hots for the full-lipped Griet.

Rookie director Peter Webber goes heavy on the furtive glances, meaningful hand-holding and silent longing, but the passion between artist and subject barely registers, much less smolders. Wilkinson hams it up, trying to inject a little life into the proceedings, but Webber and ace cinematographer Eduardo Serra are too busy with camera placement to notice. The movie's most hypnotic image might well be its last: a 90-second hold on the actual painting ``Girl With a Pearl Earring.'' The silence is golden.

Glenn Whipp, [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING - Two stars

(PG-13: some sexual content)

Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Colin Firth, Tom Wilkinson.

Director: Peter Webber.

Running time: 1 hr. 39 min.

Playing: Laemmle's Town Center 5 in Encino; Laemmle's Playhouse 7 in Pasadena; Laemmle's Monica in Santa Monica; Landmark's Cecchi Gori Fine Arts Theater in Beverly Hills.

In a nutshell: The paintings come to life. Pageant of the Masters fans: Get in line now.

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Scarlett Johansson is a servant who becomes muse and subject to a famous painter in ``Girl With a Pearl Earring.''