P.R., vatican-style. (Flip Side).

Dear Holy Father, I cannot tell you how thrilled we at Fibber, Spinmeister, and Mendassiti are to have your most exalted business. As you know, we are a world-class (though hardly worldly!) public relations firm whose past clients include Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, Margaret Thatcher, and Elliott Abrams. But this is our first opportunity to represent the Deity Himself, at least in a case involving multiple and serial sexual molestations.

Not to cast aspersions on your P.R. efforts to date, but we have the distinct sense they may have been generated by some local Vatican City outfit with only limited experience outside the realm of multimillion-dollar Vatican financial scandals. You may not realize it, but Americans take pederasty far more seriously than mere illegal profiteering, as shown by the fact that the Enron perpetrators remain at large while certain individuals rumored to have conducted satanic rituals with their day care charges continue to languish in prison.

The fallout from the present scandal could be disastrous, with our pollsters finding that seven out of ten baptized Catholics now believe that your ban on birth control exists solely to keep up the supply of molestable children.

Perhaps even more alarming from your point of view, a full nine out of ten habitual mass-goers now attribute the Church's ban on female priests as a means of maintaining that heady "locker-room" atmosphere in the changing area behind the altar. Those who have not yet embraced the heresy of a mixed-gender priesthood nevertheless favor the hiring of female matrons to oversee the altar boys as they get their gowns on.

Space does not permit me to list all the ER. blunders that have been made so far, but I would mention that it seems to us a serious mistake to blame the epidemic of priestly molestation on the "gaying" of the Church. The focus groups we have conducted report that the complex, ever-shifting relationships they observe on Queer as Folk are not only same-sex but same-age, same haircut, same physique, and same so many other things that it is impossible to tell the characters apart.

No, the priestly predilection for little boys seems to reflect their sheer availability. If parishes ministered to German shepherds or sheep--taking them on overnight trips, for example, and enlisting them in special priest-led discussion groups--we are sure the scandal would have taken on a rather different coloration.

Secondly, while we appreciate the ingenuity of trying to fold the entire crisis into the ongoing "culture war" by blaming priestly transgressions on the permissiveness of the '60s, this does not ring true with our older staff members here at FSM, some of whom briefly indulged in "sex, drugs, and rock `n' roll" until they discovered the more profound and lasting pleasures of money. They do not recall the chant "Peace, freedom, pederasty!" or anything similar. Nor, as far as we can determine, did any of those young fellows seen scampering naked at Woodstock toss out their Hendrix albums and proceed directly to the nearest seminary.

May I also add parenthetically that your far-flung subordinates need to be a little more discriminating in their defenses of the doctrine of priestly celibacy.

When the American Jesuit James Martin wrote in a New York Times op-ed that celibacy offers priests a way "of loving many people deeply, in a way that they would be unable to if they were in a single relationship," all too many readers took it as an endorsement of casual sex, known to the laity as "fooling around."

Similarly, it was perhaps unwise of Chicago's Cardinal Francis George to opine that "there is a big difference between a moral monster ... who preys upon little children ... and someone who perhaps under the influence of alcohol engages in an action with a seventeen- or sixteen-year-old young woman who returns his affection"--unless he meant that a "young woman," as opposed to a little child, could get pregnant and, given your strong feelings on abortion and priestly marriage, quickly evolve into yet another unwed teen mom.

What we at FSM recommend is a bold, self-righteous, three-point program, capable of instant implementation.

First, challenge anyone to find in the Bible, the Catechisms, or the writings of St. Ignatius Loyola a single phrase or sentence forbidding the fondling or sodomizing of altar boys. (We have checked, and you are on perfectly safe ground here.)

Second, pick up on the important insight offered by the sadly disgraced serial molester Father Paul Shanley that in most cases of so-called pederasty it is the child who plays the role of the seducer. After all, why are children so notoriously "cute" if they are not hell-bent on deflowering priests? This approach is bound to resonate especially well in America, where boys over the age of eleven are routinely described as "super-predators," tried as adults, and thrown into adult prisons for years of nonstop sodomization.

Third and finally, do not be afraid to use the unlimited power granted to you by the Lord himself! Start by pointing out that good Catholics never talk about sex, and particularly about specialized practices such as buggery, which they would be totally unaware of if they had not, at some point in their lives, engaged in the sin of listening to Led Zeppelin's "Back Door Man." Prescribe 100 "Hail Mary's" for anyone who dares to utter the words "molestation," "pederasty," or even "sex scandal," and sit back to enjoy the blessed silence that ensues.

If you favor the "carrot" approach as well as the stick, think of all the excellent rewards you can offer the faithful and compliant. We suggest that anyone who ceases to picket his or her church be offered 250 years off their stay in purgatory, and that plaintiffs who agree to drop all charges be given a full millennium off.

As for the current crop of delectable altar boys, why not promise swift beatification for all of them who willingly assist their priests in alleviating the unbearable stresses of spiritual leadership?

Yours worshipfully, etc.

Barbara Ehrenreich is a columnist for The Progressive and the author of `Wickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America" (Metropolitan Books, 2001).